Chosen by Arceus?
by Allison Illuminated
Summary: Ash Ketchum may be the single most powerful trainer to ever start out at age 10. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, he's not entirely sure what to do about it. Aura!Ash, OP!Ash. Not serious in the slightest.
1. Pokemon, I Choose You

Chapter One – Pokemon, I Choose You!

 **[Warning] The following story is a humorous parody of typical fan tropes in the typical "Ash is Powerful" or "Ash has Aura" genres. If you have the delusional notion that this is a serious work of fiction, you have been warned. I don't own Pokemon, either.**

Ash Ketchum was having a strange dream.

He was standing on a battlefield, and there were three Pokemon in front of him. _Charmander, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle, huh? How could I ever choose just one of them?_ All three Kanto starters stared at him motionlessly as he scratched the back of his head. "Man, this is too hard! I wonder which one Gary is going to get."

"So, Ash Ketchum, now you have come to the crossroads of time. Which one will you choose?" Ash spun around as the booming voice filled his head. A giant white Pokemon with weird yellow things coming out of its sides was staring down at his.

Ash's eyes widened. "No way! Are you a Pokemon?" _What a strange dream._

The Pokemon groaned, and when he spoke again, his voice was high and reedy. "Oh, come on! Don't you know me? I'm Arceus Jr! My dad made the universe and all that."

 _This dream is boring._ Ash yawned, and turned away. "I wanna wake up. When do I get my starter Pokemon, anyways?"

Arceus was somehow able to scratch his head. "Yeah, about that. Dad told me that I had to listen to Dialga and Palkia, but he doesn't know anything! So, to piss him off, I decided to make you my chosen one. How do you like the sound of being OP?"

Ash frowned. "Oh-pee? Is that a Pokemon?"

Arceus facepalmed. "No, it's you."

Ash's eyes widened. "Wait, so I'm a Pokemon?"

Arceus slammed his head into the ground. "Dad, I knew this was a bad idea," he whined. "No, you're overpowered. Like Kirito on steroids. It's like, there's this girl named Mary Sue… You know what, never mind. Dad just blabs a lot about balance and whatnot, so now everything that happens to you is going to be ridiculously lucky in your favor."

Ash, being the incredible genius he was, came to the logically conclusion. "So I'll be better than Gary?"

Arceus took a deep sigh as he closed his eyes. "Just one judgement..." he muttered. Creating a whiteboard out of thin air, he took a marker with his teeth and drew two stick figures on the board. One had weird squiggles under his eyes, and the other had spiky hair. Arceus pointed to the one with the squiggles. "This is you. You are better than Gary now." _How dense is this kid?_

Ash was looking at him strangely now. "Why didn't you just say so in the first place? I'm ten years old, not three!"

Arceus keeled over and died before resurrecting himself. "You know what? I give up. Go figure it out for yourself."

 **-Pallet Town-**

Ash woke up as a Dodrio cawed out into the morning air. He groaned and stretched with a yawn. _What a strange dream. I wonder what that was all about._

Lazily, he turned to his bedside table and read his clock out loud. "Let's see… It's 1:33 pm, so that should give me plenty of time…" He frowned as something seemed to register in his tired brain, and he did a double take. "Wait, WHAT?"

Five minutes later, Ash was sprinting towards Professor Oak's lab in his pajamas. He sprinted through the door of Professor Oak's lab and past several research assistants before skidding to a stop in front of the old professor. The old man smiled as Ash collapsed to his knees, panting. "Ah, wonderful. You're here right on time!"

Gary, who Ash had accidentally knocked out of the way, got to his feet indignantly. "HEY! What do you mean, on time? I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE SINCE SIX AM!"

Oak sighed as he stared at his grandson. "Gary, what have told you about using your indoor voice?"

"I'M TWELVE, YOU OLD GEEZER! I'M NOT AN IDIOT!"

Ash frowned. _Since when are they like this? This is weird. Maybe I'm still asleep._ "Um, professor? Can I get my starter Pokemon now?"

Oak nodded. "Of course! I have a wonderful activity planned for us as soon as my temperamental-"

"AM NOT!"

"-grandson decides to calm down and let us start." Gary rolled his eyes as Oak hit a button on the wall, and five pokeballs slid out. Oak looked at the two trainers with a glint in his eyes. "Perfect. Now, there are five Pokemon at stake here. If you get a question right, you get to keep one. Gary gets to go first. Fair?"

Ash and Gary nodded. Oak looked at his grandson. "Alright, Gary. Can you tell me the exact height of the Dragonspiral Tower in Unova?"

Gary looked like a vein was about to pop out of his forehead. "Excuse me?"

Oak nodded. "Yes, the exact height. Preferably down to the millimeter, although nanometers might be more precise."

Gary sighed. "I don't know, a hundred meters?"

The professor grinned as he pressed a large red button that blasted an airhorn into Gary's face. "Nope! Ash, now you get to try. What type is a Rattata?"

Gary's jaw dropped as Ash scratched his forehead. _Rattata, huh? Those are the ones Mom is always chasing out of the house. They're not very nice._ "Uh, dark, I guess?"

Oak beamed at Ash. "Wonderful! That's correct!" The professor handed him a pokeball as Gary sputtered.

"But that's not right! Rattata are normal types!"

Oak sighed. "You know, Gary, I thought I had raised you better than this. Clearly, Ash is such a prodigy that he's even studied Alola! Fabulous!"

Ash was confused as he somehow ended up with three more Pokemon. _This is weird. I never thought I was this good before. Maybe I really am a prodigy._

The Professor turned back to Gary. "Alright. You have to know this one. How many square miles are there in the Phylian corridor between Driftveil City and the Orrean border?"

Gary closed his eyes and hung his head in defeat. "I dunno, 4,587.834 square miles?"

"Correct!" Oak beamed as he handed him the final pokeball. "So maybe you aren't as hopeless as I thought."

Gary stared at the old man for a second, shocked. "Gee, thanks Gramps." He wound up and chucked the pokeball at the wall. "Pokemon, I choose you!"

The Pokemon inside was a Magikarp.

Once Gary had finished utterly obliterating his grandfather's lab, the old man looked over at Ash. "Well, it is nice to have a little change in scenery. Why don't you see what's inside?"

As screams for rage and vengeance floated past on the wind, Ash released the four Pokemon. All three Kanto starters and a Pikachu appeared on the ground in front of him. Ash looked over at the professor in surprise. "Are these all mine?"

"Of course! Just one thing you should know..."

Before he could finish talking, Ash pressed the buttons on all of the pokeballs, which abruptly exploded, turning his hair into what looked more like an afro. "What… happened..." he mumbled as the professor passively looked on.

"I don't think any of them particularly like being in their pokeballs." Oak turned back to the lab to find his tea kettle in the wreckage of his lab as four heavy Pokemon all jumped on top of Ash.

 **-Route One-**

One visit to his mom and four pairs of clean underwear later, Ash was sullenly walking down Route One as his Pokemon followed after him in single file. "Mom, so embarrassing," he muttered as he looked down at the stack of underwear in his hands.

His four starters all chorused their agreement. Bulbasaur groaned, _"_ _This sucks."_ Delia had attached two pairs of Tighty Whiteys to his bulb.

Ash nodded. "Don't you guys think it's weird that I can understand you?"

Bulbasaur: _"Not really."_

Charmander: _"It would seem as if you are quite facinating. A simply magnificent specimen, if I do say so myself."_

Squirtle: _"_ _Yes, as a matter of fact, I am a fantastic surfer."_

Pikachu: _"Pikachu!"_

Ash frowned as Bulbasaur jumped onto Ash's shoulder. "Hey, Bulbasaur, what's up with the rest of them?"

Bulbasaur shrugged. _"Who knows? I'm the only normal one. Charmander is Kalosian and considers himself fancy, Squirtle just talks in non-sequiturs, and Pikachu is so obsessed with his name_ _brand_ _that that's all he can say."_

 _"Pikachu?"_

 _"No, Ketchum is our trainer. Of course you can't do that to him!"_

Ash shuddered. "I don't think I want to know." He scanned the route in front of his, and his eyes widened as he spotted a tiny Pidgey. "Hey, there's a Pidgey. Let's go catch it!"

 _"Nah."_

 _"That bird is below my abilities."_

 _"What's for dinner?"_

 _"Pikachu."_

Ash looked betrayed as his Pokemon all sat down in the middle of the route and stopped moving. "So none of you are going to help me?"

Bulbasaur shrugged. _"Nope, why should we? That thing is pitiful!_ _Why, what you going to do?"_

Ash frowned. "I think I'll disappear into the depths of Mt. Silver for five years, then come back to participate in a tournament. Then, I'll meet all of my old 'friends' who betrayed me for evil purposes and discover their shadow motives. Then I'll have a lot of hot sex with all of the girls that I've ever talked to before destroying all of my former friends and taking back what they stole from me."

Bulbasaur stared at his, then deadpanned. _"That's literally the stupidest idea that I've ever heard."_

Charmander nodded. _"_ _That makes absolutely zero sense. If we are the ones who have betrayed you, why would you ever live on Mt. Silver with no Pokemon?"_

 _"I like hot pockets."_

 _"Pikachu!"_

Ash sighed. "If it's that dumb, why does it happen so much?"

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Arceus groaned as his son slunk into the room. "Now see what you've done! Mew, you're on fourth wall duty!"

Mew nodded and saluted her boss. "Aye Aye, captain!"

Arceus sank down on his pedestal. _God, do I hate this job._

 **-Route One-**

Ash got up and looked back at the Pidgey. "Well, if none of you will attack it, I'll do it myself!"

Bulbasaur's eyes widened. _"Ash, wait! You're a human, you can't-"_

He was cut off as Ash sprinted into the unaware bird and exploded into a wave of aura energy, blowing his four starters backwards. When the smoke cleared, Ash was triumphantly holding a pokeball up in the middle of a crater he had created. "See? I caught it!"

 _"Of course he's an aura user,"_ Bulbasaur grumbled to himself. _"Could this get any more ridiculous?"_

Angry cries filled the air, and Ash and the Pokemon looked up in shock as a flock of large metal birds filled the sky. They looked fairly intent on killing Ash.

Bulbasaur sighed. _"So I was wrong. Sue me."_

Charmander nodded as he handed the grass type an official document. _"_ _Here. I expect to see you in court next Wednesday."_

"Run!" Ash grabbed his Pokemon as he sprinted away down the path.

After ten minutes of running, Ash stopped short as they came to a wide river. "What do we do?"

Bulbasaur rolled his eyes. _"You idiot! There's literally a bridge right there!"_

Ash nodded. "That settles it! Squirtle, take us through the river."

 _"_ _Anchors away!"_ Squirtle yelled as he jumped into the river, Ash holding on to him desperately. They shot through the river at record speeds, the flock of metal birds following close behind.

 **-Route One-**

Misty Waterflower was enjoying a nice time fishing on the river when a watery bullet shot out of the river yelling "Sorry!" It shot past her and slammed into her bike, snapping the frame in half.

She then had to duck as a flock of fifty odd Skarmory came shoot past her after the water.

Staring at the remains of her bike, she sighed. _Well, there goes the next two years of my life._

 **-Route One-**

Ash could barely tell what was happening as he barreled towards Viridian City. "Are they still following us?"

Charmander screamed, _"Yes, do something!"_

 _"Pikachu!"_

 _"Pikachu, no! You'll electrocute us!"_ Bulbasaur screamed, but he was already too late.

All five of them screamed as Pikachu exploded with a blast of electricity that dropped the entire flock to the ground. The water faded as Squirtle stopped short to look back at the collapsed Pokemon. _"How am I still alive?"_

Ash shrugged. "I dunno. Logic, I guess."

 _"Makes sense."_

Ash caught a Skarmory as they all shrugged it off, and the group walked into Viridian City as one very angry red haired girl sprinted after them.

 _The Ash Dex:_

 _Currently – The Chosen One, Aura User_

 _Pokemon – Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander, Pikachu, Pidgey, Skarmory_

 _Absurdity Level – Low_

 **[A/N] What would happen if Ash was ridiculously overpowered, but still as dumb and immature as the original series?**

 **I'm taking that and running with it. Don't tell me that it makes no sense. It's not supposed to. Do tell me whether or not you liked it, though. In all likely hood, I'll just write more anyways whether its funny or not.**

 **Leave a favorite, a follow, and a review!**


	2. Human Emergency

Chapter Two – Human Emergency

 **-Route One-**

Gary grumbled as he walked down route one. "Arceus, why is Ash so good all of a sudden? I mean, you've got to know, right? You are responsible for it."

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Arceus sneezed as the fourth wall exploded for the fifth time that day. "Mew!" he hollered. "Get to that!"

 **-Route One-**

Gary sighed and shrugged it off. "Either way, I'm the single most amazing trainer ever! There's no way Ash can beat me."

He came to a small pool at the side of the road and released his Magikarp into it. The small red fish flopped around inside uselessly, and Gary sighed as he stared at it. "Alright, Karpus, let's see what you can do."

 _"_ _Really? The best nickname that you can come up with is KARPUS? That would be like if I called you Gare-bear for the rest of your life."_

It took Gary a second to process the fact that his Pokemon was talking. His eye twitched as he looked at the Pokemon. "Never call me Gare-bear again, you stupid fish."

Magikarp spun around in a circle as he tutted. "Now, that's not a very positive way to start off a relationship, now is it?"

"No, it isn't!" Gary yelled. "Do you think that I wanted a Magikarp as my starter? This is rigged against me! I'm supposed to be the hot guy in the car with cheerleaders!"

 _"Well, hot is really a bit of a stretch..."_

Gary cracked his knuckles, ready to have Karp fillet for dinner. "Why, you..."

Magikarp shrugged. _"Hey, this isn't my fault. Why haven't you done a comprehensive analysis of Unova human landmarks from the past two millennium?"_

Gary sighed as he pulled his Pokedex out of his pocket. "Well, let's see what you can do, at least. I can still beat the Elite Four with just a Magikarp, I just need a strategy!"

 _"Dream on, kid."_

Ignoring his Pokemon, Gary pressed a button on his Pokedex and it turned on. "Alright, Dexter, what can you tell me about this useless fish?"

MAGIKARP, THE FISH POKÉMON. BECAUSE ALL MAGIKARP SEEM TO DO IS SPLASH AROUND, SOME CONSIDER THEM WEAK, BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY A HARDY POKÉMON THAT CAN SURVIVE IN WATER NO MATTER HOW DIRTY IT IS. THIS MAGIKARP HAS ZERO IVS AND ZERO EVS, AS WELL AS SASSY NATURE THAT DECREASES ITS SPEED.

Gary massaged his temples. "Oh, this just gets better and better. What moves does it know?"

THIS MAGIKARP KNOWS SPLASH AND CELEBRATE.

Gary frowned and raised an eyebrow at Magikarp. "Celebrate?"

Magikarp grinned. The fish magically procured a party hat, and Kool and the Gang started blasting across route one. The world grew dark, and a disco ball appeared above Gary's head. _"Celebrate good times, come on!"_ Magikarp hollered in a tone deaf voice.

Gary covered his eyes and screamed. "ARCEUS, WHY? THE MAGIKARP IS CRUEL ENOUGH! NOW YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME SUFFER THROUGH DISCO?"

 _"Hey, I'm not even doing the Boogie Woogie yet!"_

Gary shook his head violently. "Please, I don't want to know… Wait, no! MY EYES AUUUUGGGHHHH!"

Once he had finished violently stomping his Pokemon into the ground, Magikarp flopped back into the pond. _"I hadn't even gotten to the best part of the song..."_

Gary sighed. "Dexter, at least tell me when this piece of Giratina spawn evolves."

MAGIKARP ATE AN EVERSTONE WHEN IT WAS A CHILD. IT WILL NEVER EVOLVE INTO GYARADOS.

Gary's scream was heard all the way to Viridian city.

 **-Viridian City-**

"Huh, that scream sounded a bit like Gary's..." Ash mused as he walked into the city. Then he shrugged and smiled. "Nah, it couldn't be. Way to girly to be him."

 _"_ _Wait, so Ash, let me get this straight."_ Bulbasaur was sitting on Ash's shoulder. Pikachu was jumping around on top of Charmander and Squirtle, both of whom were on top of Bulbasaur. The weight was dragging Ash down to one side, and he was barely keeping his balance. _"So you can use aura?"_

Ash frowned. "What's aura?"

Bulbasaur sweatdropped. _"You're kidding me, right? It's that blue stuff that exploded back on Route one where you caught that Pidgey."_

Thinking back to what had happened, he laughed. "Oh, that stuff? I was just waiting for a shady guy who wears all black to come live in my house for a while and explain it to me. I mean, isn't that what usually happens?"

Bulbasaur sighed, and Charmander spoke up in a strange British accent. _"If you were to ask me, I would tell you that seems just a wee bit idiotic."_

"But I didn't ask you."

 _"So why would you allow me to tell you?'_

"Why would you start telling me if I didn't allow you to tell me by asking you?"

 _"But-"_

He was interrupted as a white van pulled up behind Ash and a shady man in black clothes jumped out. "Hey kid, I'm the shady aura guy who might be remotely descended from Sir Aaron. Come in my van and leave all of you valuables in the front seat, and I'll tell you the secrets of aura."

Ash shrugged. "Nah, I think I'll pass."

As he walked away, the shady aura guy drove off the find some more gullible underage aura adepts.

Bulbasaur sighed. _"At least that shut you two up."_

Ash squinted as a dust cloud rose up down the road. "Wait a second, is that the girl from earlier?"

 **-Viridian City-**

Misty spotted the boy and grinned viciously. She threw her wrecked bike to the side and unsheathed her mallet, Smashy McSmashFace. _Here comes Misty, mallet warrior of Kanto, ready to smash in the face of this stupid little kid._

The kid was just standing there watching her like an idiot. He looked so stupid she could hardly believe it. He had four Pokemon out of their Pokeballs ON A SINGLE SHOULDER. Who did that?

Screaming, she brought the mallet down on top of his head. Unfortunately for her, it stopped short of his skull as a weird blue shield appeared around him. "Huh?" Deciding that she just needed to hit him a bunch of times, she slammed the mallet down again and again to no effect.

Panting, she stopped as the shield slightly faded away. Weirdest of all, a strange medallion around Ash's neck began to glow a light pink, and she felt her mind grow cloudy. _What's happening to me?_

She looked up at the boy again, and she was shocked to see a stunningly gorgeous boy standing in front of her. He was surrounded by powerful Pokemon, and his muscles seemed to bulge through his shirt. He couldn't be a day younger than seventeen, she thought. And of course, his muscles weren't the only thing bulging…

 **-Suicune's Show-**

"It was his Pokedex, bulging out of his front pocket of course!" Suicune triumphantly exclaimed.

The water type legendary turned to the camera with a beaming smile. "Welcome to Suicune's show, kids! Sometimes, Arceus forgets all of you little kiddos are out there reading, and he accidentally forgot to censor out any… icky content. Let's just go back to Ash, shall we?"

 **-Viridian City-**

Ash frowned at the girl in front of him. One second she had been violently trying to hit him when a strange shield had popped into existence in front of him. Now, she was staring at him strangely, and a weird amulet was emitting a pink mist in front of him.

 _"_ _Is she… drooling?"_ Bulbasaur said haltingly.

 _"Presumably,"_ Charmander said. _"I believe it is that medallion."_

Squirtle nodded triumphantly. _"I've done it! The exact distance between you two is 6.75 feet and shrinking."_

 _"Pikachu!"_ The yellow mouse cried triumphantly as he handed Squirtle the trophy for "Century's Best Poketician."

Sure enough, Misty seemed to be walking towards him in a daze. Ash frowned. "This is weird. I'm taking this stupid metal off." He took the medallion off of his head and dropped it on the ground.

Instantly, Misty seemed to snap out of it. She stared at Ash in fury. "You little pervert, what did you do to me?"

Ash's brow furrowed. "What's a pervert?"

Misty sighed. "You know what? Forget it."

Bulbasaur looked down at the medallion. _"You know, I think I'm going to get rid of this thing."_ He took a vine whip and looped it around the medallion, then slung the medallion as far away as possible.

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Arceus Jr. nodded, somewhat impressed. "I have to say, that was the fastest Tsundere I've ever seem."

Arceus stared daggers at his son's back. "YOU. GAVE. THE. TEN. YEAR. OLD. THE. HAREM. MEDALLION. FROM. THOSE. STUPID. SMUT. FICS?"

Arceus Jr. shrugged. "What? It's gone now, anyways. What could go wrong?"

 **-Pewter City-**

Brock Harrison frowned as he picked a strange medallion off of the ground. "I wonder what this is?"

 **-Hall of Origins-**

"Just kill me now," Arceus grumbled, hoping Misty's mallet would find Brock's head sooner rather than later. "This can't end well."

 **-Viridian City-**

"Ash Ketchum, are you even listening to me? I want a new bike, and I want it now!"

Ash took a step backwards as Misty bore down on top of him in fury. Okay, I will, but I can't right now."

"Why not?"

 _"_ _Because you're a bitch."_

 _"Such a philosophical question should not be dealt with so lightly."_

 _"I hear the weather's nice around her 'bout this time of year."_

 _"Pikachu?"_

Ash glared at his Pokemon. "I'm broke, and you're in my way."

Misty was backed up against the vidchat station, leaning backwards over the screen where a disgruntled professor Oak was visible in the background. "As I was saying before this young lady's back blocked my view, well done on getting to Viridian so fast."

Ash tried to keep talking as Misty put him in a headlock. "Gee, thanks professor. Whe-"

He was cut off as Misty picked him up off the ground by his collar. "You have three days to get me a new bike, buster," she growled.

"But I don't wanna!" Ash whined as he squirmed in her grasp.

"Ah, the beauty of pre-teen love… Such a magnificent thing to behold..."

Misty procured her mallet and smashed the screen in. "Nobody asked for your opinion, old man."

Ash crawled away from the crazy girl an his hands and knees. "She's scary..." he whispered to Bulbasaur.

His get away was interrupted when a gigantic flaming bird crashed though the roof of the Pokemon center, setting the entire facility on fire. _"Ash Ketchum, I come with a message for you!"_ It roared.

Ash looked at the bird. "Is that a Pokemon?"

Bulbasaur shrugged. _"I'm not sure."_

 _"_ _I don't believe it's supposed to exist until the second generation."_ Charmander mused.

 _"But Arceus is in the fourth Generation,"_ Ho-oh squawked at the two Pokemon. _"I'm obviously better."_

 _"Yeah, right."_

 _"He is a god, after all."_

As the Pokemon center burned down, a Meowth balloon appeared overhead and started blast terrible rap music as full volume.

Misty covered her ears and screamed, "WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?"

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Arceus sighed as he looked at Mew. "Dear me, please tell me what you are doing."

Mew shrugged with a giggle. "Well, you told me I was on fourth wall duty so I was like, so what do I do on fourth wall duty so I saw that there were a bunch of bricks lying around and I love to play with bricks so I started smashing them together and it was really fun so I took a lot more bricks and now everything is really fun and awesome and I love my job and whee yay rainbow Rapidashes and Blitzles!"

Arceus sweatdropped. "Mew, you're supposed to be repairing the fourth wall, not destroying it."

Mew looked down at the ruins beneath her. "Silly, why didn't you just say so in the first place! I love building walls!"

Arceus groaned. "Whatever, go for it."

 **-Viridian City-**

Ash decided to ignore the balloon and focus on Ho-oh instead. "So why are you here, anyways?"

"Well, I was supposed to fly by you on route one, but you got here to fast. This is stupid, anyways. See you around, chosen." Ho-oh took off into the sky.

"Okay, bye Ho-oh." _Chosen one?_ "Wait, what?"

Ash didn't have time to ponder it as two people and a weird cat jumped out of the balloon and landed in front of him. They went through a long and boring motto, which Ash partially slept through. When he woke up, the Meowth had clawed his face and yelled, "Die, human!"

A vein popped in Ash's forehead. "Hey, that wasn't very nice! Charmander, use scratch!"

Charmander frowned. _"I don't know that."_

Ash frowned and whipped out his Pokedex. "Really? Okay, then ember!"

 _"Nope."_

"Flamethrower?"

 _"Nah."_

"Fire blast?"

 _"Too easy."_

"Flare Blitz?"

 _"Not in the mood?"_

Ash frowned as he read the last listed move in the Pokedex. "Uh, Blast burn?"

Charmander smiled. _"Sounds good!"_

Misty's eyes widened as he gave the command. "No, you can't, you'll destroy the entire city!"

Five seconds later, Viridian City went up in a massive column of flames as Jessie, James and Meowth went blasting off.

Ash looked around the wreckage around him, where somehow everyone in the city except for the rockets who had blasted off were unharmed. "You know, I think that may have been overkill."

Charmander nodded. "Point taken."

 _The Ash Dex:_

 _Currently – The Chosen One, Aura User_

 _Pokemon – Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander, Pikachu, Pidgey, Skarmory_

 _Absurdity Level – Mild_

 **-Omake – Charmander takes Bulbasaur to Court-**

Arceus slammed his gavel down. "Silence in the court room!"

Bulbasaur sighed as the armed Bisharp led him to the defense table. If he had thought things had escalated quickly on route one, he had misjudged the world.

"For the defense, we have Batty McBatface the Zubat defending Bulbasaur! The prosecution will be Sir Banana the Tropius."

Bulbasaur sweatdropped. "God, why is Pokefan so terrible at choosing names?"

"Let's begin!" Arceus rumbled. "The charges against the accused are overt logicality and breaking the fourth wall! First, the prosecution!"

Tropius walked to the center of the room and faced the jury. "How many of you like bananas?" Every hand in the room went up. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, I AM A BANANA!"

The room exploded into a wave of cheers as everyone proclaimed their enjoyment of bananas. Tropius waved his neck bananas around as Arceus held up an "I Love Bananas" flag. Bulbasaur groaned and slammed his head into the table.

Tropius then pointed at Bulbasaur. "YES, I AM A BANANA, BUT HE IS NOT A BANANA!"

The cheers in the room doubled as a chant of "Tropius! Sir Banana!" rose up in the air.

"IN FACT, THIS BULBASAUR IS THE ENEMY OF BANANAS AND SHOULD BE TRIED LIKE ONE… EATEN ALIVE!"

Bulbasaur started to cry at his predicament as chants of "EAT HIM UP!" rose through the crowd.

Arceus turned to Zubat. "Any defense?"

Zubat shrugged. "How can I argue? I love bananas!"

Arceus slammed the gavel down. "HATER OF BANANAS, THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT! MAY YOUR BULB BE EATEN BY ASH'S HERACROSS FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!"

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" Bulbasaur cried as Heracross appeared above him, nibbling on his bulb.

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Arceus frowned. "I think I may have overdone that one a bit."


	3. A Pokemon Catches Ash?

Chapter Three – A Pokemon Catches Ash?

ALERT – THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS CAPITOL LETTERS SUCH AS Q Z AND #. DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL DILEMAS WILL BE CONFRONTED AND ANSWERED! IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE CALL THE RANDOMNESS EXCESS HOTLINE

 **870 – 2 – ARCEUS**

TODAY OR

 **LEAVE A REVIEW OF HOW TO MAKE THIS EVEN RANDOMERISH BELOW!**

WARNING – 15 Shroomish died in the making of this chapter. You have been warned.

 **-Route One-**

Gary panted as he collapsed against a tree. "I've been… On this… stupid route… for three days."

 _"_ _And who's fault is that?"_

He glared down at his starter Pokemon. "No thanks to you, you useless fish! How are you even walking?"

Magikarp looked down and immediately collapsed to the ground flopping. _"Just don't question it."_

Gary frowned, then his eyes widened as a tiny Rattata collapsed from a tree onto the road. It was half the size of Magikarp, and looked like it was just about dead. _Finally,_ _a break of good luck!_ "Alright, I'm going to catch that thing! Magikarp, go attack it!"

 _"Right on, sir!"_

Gary screamed as disco started to blast across route one. "FINE. I'll do it myself!" He grabbed Magikarp by his tail and sprinted towards the rat.

 _"Animal abuse! Animal abuse!"_ Magikarp cried as Gary slammed him down on top of the injured rat, then chucked a pokeball. The tiny half dead rat was sucked inside, and the ball dinged a successful capture.

Gary grinned, then broke out into an evil half crazed laugh. _Alright, Ketchum. I don't know what you did to me, but there's no way it'll stop me from beating you at Indigo Plateau!_

 **-Viridian Forest-**

Misty Waterflower, spy for the mysterious order of the mallet, slunk behind a tree as she followed her query down the Viridian Forest path. Stunning how he was able to brave the wilderness with such fearlessness. His four Pokemon were all sitting on his head today, making it look like he was wearing a Pokemon hat.

And what about her? She needed no protection! With her trusty mallet, she could- She-

 **-Viridian Forest-**

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

Ash rolled his eyes as he kept walking. "Seriously, why did Misty even follow us into Viridian forest? This happens once every five minutes."

Bulbasaur looked up at Charmander, who was sitting on his bulb. _"Five bucks on Caterpie."_

Charmander scoffed at him. _"There is nary a doubt in my mind that it is a Weedle."_

Bulbasaur groaned. _"Seriously. Nobody has said nary in what, a hundred years?"_

They were interrupted as Misty sprinted into Ash. "Get out of my way!" she screamed as she shoved him into the dirt. "Don't you see that terrible beast of mass destruction?"

Charmander sighed as he brushed dirt off of his side and handed a bill to Bulbasaur. _"Fine. You win."_

 _"_ _But why is it wearing a bandana?"_

Ash frowned as he looked from the strange Caterpie to Misty before bursting out in laughter. "Misty, I can't believe that you're scared of such a little bug! What could such a stupid little thing do to you?"

Bulbasaur sneezed as Pikachu's tail brushed against his nose. _"My bet is on Caterpie knocking Ketchum out cold."_

Charmander nodded sagely as the Caterpie took on a fighting stance. _"Such a ninja would never resort to such direct tactics, you cankerous waffle wort of a petunia. Surely, it will take the graceful way out."_

An evil glint crossed Caterpie's eyes as it darted towards Misty and gently rubbed against her legs. She screamed louder than anything Ash had ever heard in his life and procured her mallet. "ASH KETCHUM, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

 _"_ _Quite effective."_

 _"At this rate, I'm going to run out of money."_

 _"Pikachu!"_

Misty brought the mallet down on Ash's head, knocking him and all four Pokemon out.

 **-Hall of Origin-**

Arceus sighed as he plucked at a gray hair on his left flank. "Dear me, this is going to make me go gray."

Cresselia cocked her head to one side. "With all due respect, almighty lord of the moon and skies, you already are."

"I thought I told you to call me Arceus, Cresselia," he grumbled.

"Of course, almighty lord of the moon and skies."

Bored of standing still, Arceus transformed his dias into a hot tub and sank into the hot water. "What is a cankerous wafflewort of a petunia even supposed to mean. I mean, what idiot came up with that?"

"Presumably you, almighty lord of the moon and skies."

"Did not," Arceus muttered as he tried to bury his head. "Must have been that idiot son of mine."

"DAD!"

 **-Viridian Forest-**

When Ash came to, he was hanging upside down in a cocoon. "Hey! Why'd ya do this? Get me out of here!"

Caterpie crawled up underneath him and looked him in the eyes. _"You…_ _You are the fabled Ash Ketchum, savior of the town of Pallet, young disciple of the Oak school of Pokemon Arts. I challenge you to the most ancient of Viridian rituals, a battle of ninja prowess from which only one may emerge..."_

Ash pasted on a dumb grin and shrugged. "'Kay, sure. Sounds good to me." His aura flared to life and the strings fell away effortlessly.

 _"_ _How the hell did he do that?"_ Bulbasaur cried out in outrage.

" _We would be wise not to question..."_ Charmander mused, _"_ _But I concur. I am unable to move, and a fire type as well."_

 _"He's the next Hokage!"_

 _"Pikachu!"_

Ash and Caterpie stared deeply into the others eyes. Caterpie was solemn, stoic in his knowledge that today was his ultimate challenge, the day he might die at the hands of his greatest foe. He had trained for years to reach this point, and finally it was all coming to this one glorious climax where-

"Alright, I'm bored. That girl who was following me really hates bugs for some reason, so sorry about her. See ya!"

Caterpie watched, stunned, as Ash turned around and walked back over towards his bound Pokemon and flicking his hand to release aura pulses that released all of his Pokemon. _"_ _Hey! We were having our intense battle right now!"_

Ash knelt down as his four Pokemon all jumped back up onto his head then turned back to look at Caterpie again. "Hey, I know! I'll catch him!" He frowned as he grabbed his bag and dug a weird looking purple ball with a 'm' on it. "Hm, this one looks pretty good."

Bulbasaur panicked and jumped onto Ash's arm. _"NOOOO! DON'T USE THAT MASTER BALL ON CATERPIE!"_

Ash scratched his head. "Then what am I supposed to do?" He waited in thought for a while before coming to a realization. "Oh yeah, I need to weaken it! Bulbasaur, go do something!"

Bulbasaur desperately resisted the urge to bury his face in his vines. _Dear Arceus, why are you making me suffer through this madness? "Frenzy plant!"_ he yelled as he slammed his vines down and launching Caterpie, who was promptly sucked into the ball and caught.

"Alright!" Ash exclaimed as Bulbasaur hid himself underneath a group of tree roots and tried not to cry. "I caught a Caterpie! I bet Misty hates that!" He looked around in curiosity as he noticed a distinct lack of Misty. "Hey, where'd she go?"

 **-Sunnyshore City, Sinnoh-**

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!" Misty screamed as she blindly sprinted as fast and far away as she could.

Panting, she stopped and looked around as she found herself in a foreign city with a ton of solar panels overhead. "Where am I?" she mused.

She didn't have much time to think about it as the most evil demonic monstrous and horrible creature that she had ever conceived in all of her worst nightmares came into sharp focus.

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

The Kricketot watched the disappearing girl in confusion as she vanished back over the horizon from where she came.

NEXT EPISODE: INTRODUCING THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND, THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS, BROCK HARRISON IS COMING AND HE'S ON AN EPIC QUEST TO MEET EVERY LAST GORGEOUS JOY AND JENNY IN KANTO!

HYPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Also, Gary caught a Rattata. Whoopsie Doo.

 _The Ash Dex:_

 _Currently – The Chosen One, Aura User_

 _Pokemon – Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander, Pikachu, Pidgey, Skarmory, Caterpie_

 _Absurdity Level – SEVEN PYUKUMUKUS?!_

 **[A/N] WANT YOUR WEIRD IDEAS IN THIS STORY? I HAVE PLENTY, BUT SO DO YOU!**

 **SCENARIOS! OMAKES! WEIRD INSULTS FOR SQUIRTLE! YOU COULD GIVE IT ALL!**

 **REVIEW DOWN HERE, AND YOU COULD RECIEVE A FREE POOKACHOO, A PINEAPPLE, AND FIVE HEART SCALES ON A PURCHASE OF MORE THAN $-18.70!**


	4. Brocking the Pewter City Gym!

Chapter Four – Brocking the Pewter City Gym!

 **[A/N] Have you lovely people had your daily existential crisis yet?**

 **-Hall of Origins-**

By the time the fifth brick landed on his head, Arceus was seriously questioning his life choices.

 _If I hadn't had that bratty kid with Palkia, this wouldn't be a problem. Hell, why did I even create the universe in the first place?_

Shaking a small pile of rubble off of his back, Arceus floated over to the Fourth Wall, heaving a sigh longer than any mortal's lifespan. "Mew, would you care to explain yourself?"

Mew guiltily dropped a large chuck of rubble and looked at Our Lord and Savior Almighty with the cutest look she could manage. "See, Hoopa and I were playing catch, only Hoopa never threw the bricks back. She should go in time out! Sharing is caring?"

Massaging his temples with his thousand arms, Arceus groaned, "Mew, please. Do I NEED to get Azelf up here to babysit you again? I'm sure she's rather enjoying her nap right now."

"Allahooparing!" Hoopa shouted happily as she blinked out of existance.

Arceus blinked. "Does she say that all the time?"

Mew did a cheerful backflip. "You bet! I think Arceus Jr. created her, not you, so you're good."

"I think I need to give that boy another lesson in good game design," Arceus mused.

A massive explosion under their feet blew the wall apart again, and he looked at Mew pointedly. "I trust you're on that?"

"Do Rampardoses fly?"

Arceus bit his lip. "Not since I last checked, but you never know what my son is up to."

 **-Route One-**

Gary screamed far more effeminately than he would have liked as the fifth slime blob slammed down next to him. "ARCEUSSSS! DO YOU REALLY HATE ME THIS MUCH?"

 _"Ceee-lebrate good times, come on!"_

Arceus Jr. sniggered from the raincloud he was hiding behind. "More than you could ever know, Gary Oak. More than you could ever know."

 **-Viridian Forest-**

Misty wiped away a tear as she sat down. "You know, Ash, in the three days I've known you, I never thought you would actually get to this point. All the hard work... It's paying off."

Charmander nodded somberly. _"Truly, this is a moment that will go down in history, where Ash Ketchum truly ascended to greatness."_

 _"Peanuts?"_ Squirtle asked Pikachu, who gruffly handed over a bag.

 _"Noble Ketchum, I stand by your side with my string in all of your endeavors,"_ Caterpie said as he puffed his chest out.

Ash nodded as he stepped onto the podium. "I'd like to thank everyone here for getting us to this point, and to the wonderful powers of friendship and courage. All of you have shown me-"

 _"Enough with the monologue!"_ Bublasaur screamed. _"Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"_

 _"_ _TRAINING MONTAGE!"_

 **-Training Montage – Playing "The Final Countdown" by Europe-**

 _Bulbasaur and Charmander face off in an epic duel of wits as they blast attacks across the dusty battlefield._

 _Ash practices his agility skills as Misty chases him around in circles with her mallet._

 _Caterpie single footedly_ _takes down the Beedrill from the nest Ash got knocked into by Misty's mallet._

 _Charmander uses his Archaic Bad Word attack on Bulbasaur, who shoots back with his Dry Rationality attack._

 _Misty, terrified of the Beedrill, pulls everyone else in around her like a Dweble shell._

 _Pikachu, pissed off at loosing his spotlight, blasts the entire group off in a random direction._

 **-Pewter City-**

Brock Harrison screamed when the gym ceiling imploded and the sprinkles as a group of kids and Pokemon crashed onto his gym floor. "Hey, who on earth are you people? How did you get here?"

Ash dazedly grinned as he pulled himself out of the pile. "I'm Ash! We came by montage. Wanna battle?"

Brock considered that for a moment. "Okay, sure."

After extracting the rest of his Pokemon and Misty from the rubble, Ash walked into the box on the other side of the field. "Alright, so what's a gym battle?"

Brock opened his mouth, but Misty beat him to the punch. Flying from the sidelines, she brought her mallet down on Ash's head. "KETCHUM! How can you want to be a Pokemon Master and not even know what a gym battle is?"

Brock crossed his arms and scowled in an effort to make himself feel more intimidating. "You've got a lot of nerve coming here, kid. Me and my Pokemon are rock hard, and you'll go straight through you."

Misty sighed as Ash grinned. "Sounds good! Bulbasaur, use plant attack!"

Bulbasaur jumped onto the battlefield, then stopped and stared at Ash. " _Wait, what?"_

Ash stared at him in confusion. "What do you mean, what? You're a plant type, so go use plant attack."

Brock released Onix and shot Misty a look. She just shrugged. "Not the wierdest thing he's done today."

Bulbasaur was seriously considering strangling his trainer with his vines. _"_ _One, I'm_ _a grass type, and two, it's frenzy plant, not plant attack, you absolute mo-"_

Onix slammed his tail down on top of Bulbasaur, sending the Pokemon flying into the wall. Ash winced and ran over. "Bulbasaur, are you okay? Why didn't you use plant attack like I told you?"

 _"_ _IT DOESN'T EXIST!"_ the starter screeched, inadvertently using screech attack. Onix recoiled as the grass starter stomped onto the battlefield. _"_ _Frenzy plant!"_

The entire battlefield exploded into a mess of writhing vines that wrapped around Onix and shot him through roof, before slamming him back down on the battlefield, knocked out.

Brock blinked. "That doesn't usually happen."

"No shit-"

 **-Suicune's Show-**

"-ake mushrooms!" Suicune exclaimed triumphantly as a poorly constructed white screen descended to hide the scene of unimaginable carnage that ensued. "Misty was talking about how there were no shiitake mushrooms in the gym! Here on Suicune's Show, though, we do have mushrooms! Since you definently don't want to see anything nasty, I'll just put a recipe here instead!"

 _Garlic Sauteed Shiitake Mushrooms_

 _INGREDIENTS_

 _4 tablespoons unsalted butter_

 _2 large cloves garlic, minced_

 _6 ounces large shiitake mushrooms, stems removed_

 _Salt and freshly ground black pepper_

 _1 tablespoon chopped parsley_

 _1/3 cups of friendship_

 _PREPARATION_

 _Combine butter and garlic in saute pan. Heat until butter is melted and garlic starts to sizzle, about 30 seconds. Do not let garlic brown._

 _Add mushrooms and saute 3 to 4 minutes, turning until lightly browned. Season to taste with salt and pepper, sprinkle with parsley and serve._

 _Eat._

 _Censor out any no-no words you might let slip during your foodgasm._

Suicune smiled as she dug into her dish. "Now, you can go back to your K+ rated fic!"

 **-Hall of Origin-**

Coballion frowned at the lord and savior almighty. "Sir, was this a cop-out?"

Arceus was suddenly very interested in the loud noises coming from the fourth wall, and was unavaliable for comment.

 **-Pewter City-**

Brock held out the boulder badge, which Ash eagerly grabbed from the lone untouched spot in the smoking remains of the gym. "Ash, may I make a request?"

 _"Please say you're keeping him!"_ Bulbasaur called eagerly, and Pikachu nodded in agreement.

Ash frowned. "Do I have to pay for all of this? I already have that one following me because her bike broke for some reason..."

"ASH KETCHUM, I HAVE A NAME, AND WE BOTH KNOW WHO BROKE MY BIKE!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

Brock sighed dreamily. "Ah, the blossoming flowers of young love..."

"SHUT UP!"

"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

"ASH, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!"

"HOW IS MY MIND IN THE GUTTER?"

"INNUENDO, YOU IDIOT."

"WHAT'S AN INNUENDO? IS THAT A POKEMON? CAN I CATCH IT?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Bulbasaur quietly edged towards the door. _"Do you think they'll notice if I just leave?"_

"Anyways, since I don't have a gym, can I travel with you guys?" Brock asked.

Ash nodded. "OKAY!"

"HEY! SINCE WHEN DO YOU GET TO MAKE DESCISIONS? I'M THE RESPONSIBLE ONE!"

Ash couldn't yell back through his laughing fit, so Misty helped him sit down with her mallet.

 _"_ _Arbitrary ending!"_ Squirtle shouted.

 **[** **A/N] Nothing overcomes writer's block like boredom. This is my life, folks.**

 _ **I have a tumblr now!**_ _pokefan87 . tumblr_ _ **Make sure you take out all of the spaces, or don't.**_

 _ **Boop boop boop a doop.**_

 _ **Why are we here? That one's for the people who still haven't had their daily existential crisis, even though I ALREADY REMINDED YOU!**_

 _ **Sigh.**_

 _ **REVIEW to tell me how this piece of shiitake mushrooms made you rethink your life.**_


	5. Psyduck, Lord of the Fairies

Chapter Five – Psyduck, Lord of the Fairies

 **[A/N] I take what I said last time back. Nothing overcomes Writer's Block like having Writer's Block on a project you actually care about. Instead of working, I'm pumping out this drek again.**

 **In other news, I cannot seem to feel my left toe anymore.**

 **Want a cronut?**

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Arceus, Lord of the Universe, Creator of all Pokemon, was not having a good day.

"Daaaaaaaaad!"

Arceus studiously stood on his podium. He was rock, he could literally be a rock type, he was perfectly calm...

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

"Arceus Jr., how many times have I told you not to use Hyper Voice inside of the Hall of Origins?"

His son suddenly looked very shifty as he stared at his leg. "Sorry."

"What is so important that you have to scream about it for all of the Hall to hear?"

"I'm bored."

All of the Legendary Pokemon within earshot had the good judgement to make themselves as scarce as possible. After all, there was never a bad time to head down to the human world, was there?

 **-Mt. Moon-**

Brock sighed as he leaned against the rocky cave wall. "Thank goodness we got out of that rain."

 _That thunder was quite spectacular,_ Charmander mused, scratching the underside of Squirtle's shell.

 _Pik_ _a~_ _chu,_ Pikachu agreed.

 _Oh yeah, because we're just going to casually talk about the thunder and lightning and COMPLETELY IGNORE THE FACT THAT TWO GODLIKE POKEMON WERE CIRCLING AROUND OVERHEAD SHOOTING JUDGEMENT AT EACH OTHER!_ Bulbasaur screeched.

 _Bulbasaur, please shut up, you're interupting my focus._

 _Meteor showers are nice this time of year,_ Squirtle mused.

 _Pikachu._

"So then, I had Charmander use blast burn! It was close, but I KNEW that he would win on that attack. When I threw the Pokeball, it actually wiggled, can you believe it. I was-"

"Ash." Misty had a murderous look on her face. "Every single one of us watched you catch that stupid Nidoran. Can you _please_ shut up about it for five seconds?"

"Why?"

 _That was rude of her._

 _YES, PLEASE ARCEUS, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE._

 _Pikachu..._

"Because I said so."

Bulbasaur sighed as he shoved his vines into his ears. _Here we go again..._

As the trio disappeared into the mountain, angry shouts could be head for miles.

 **-Route One-**

" _Wha-_?"

Gary smiled as the tiny rat Pokemon's eyes flickered open. "Hey there, little guy. How are you feeling?"

 _"_ _Oh, I'm okay, I think."_ Rattata was light pink, with mangy fur and two tiny buckteeth.

Gary shook his head in amazement. "I still can't believe I'm talking to my Pokemon. I thought that was just a comic book thing."

 _"_ _What's a comic book? Is it tasty?"_ Rattata asked earnestly.

Gary's stomach grumbled, and he pulled a pouch of oran berries out of his bag. He popped a couple into his mouth, then offered one to Rattata. "Hey, are you hungry?"

Rattata nodded excitedly, and quickly grabbed the berry. In between bites, he asked, _"So, you're a trainer, right? Where are we off to?"_

Gary's face darked as he put his pouch back away. "We're not."

Mainly, that was because every time he tried to exit Route One, he ran into a massive invisible forcefield that stopped him from going anywhere. After trying to exit for a day, he gave up and decided to build a camp in the forest. His tent had been pitched and stationary for a week now, and he had spent his time researching how to heal an injured Rattata without potions.

At least Dexter had told him Rattata was capable of evolving _and_ learned moves. Gary was quickly learning to take his victories where he could get them.

He had two more pokeballs. No food but what he could find in the woods. Two sets of extra clothes. A pokedex. A useless Magikarp and a tiny injured and malnourished Rattata. And he wanted to with the Pokemon League? That was looking to be more and more of a joke every day.

Not that something like that had ever stopped him before.

 _"Um, mister? What do you mean?"_

Gary plastered a smile on his face and looked down at his tiny Pokemon. "I'm going to be a Pokemon Master, but the universe has decided that it's funny to trap me here on Route One. So, we're just going to have to become the masters of Route One first, me and you and Karpus."

 _"Ooh, who's Karpus? Can I meet him?"_

Gary grinned. "No, he's safely locked away deep in my bag."

 _"Why?"_

"My sanity."

Oh, Gary could already tell that it was going to be a fun couple of weeks.

 **-Hall of Origins-**

"Next time on Survivor: Pallet – How will Gary react to-"

"Hey!" Arceus roared as a TV on top of the fourth wall exploded sending rubble flying in all directions. "Mew and Jirachi, you know you two are only allowed to watch Suicune's show!"

Mew giggled. "But watching Arceus Jr. making Gary suffer is so much more fun! He's soooo serious about it too!"

It wasn't like Arceus could argue with that, so he just floated away thoughfully. He might have to spend more time pondering the moral dilema of screen time than he thought he would need to.

 **-Mt. Moon-**

"Wait!" Brock yelled as he flung his arms out to stop the rest of the group from going forwards at a T intersection in the tunnels. "Something is coming!"

Team Rocket sprinted down one way holding a Psyduck screaming incoherent giberish at the top of its lungs. James and Jessie were riding a two seat bike, and Meowth was on James' head yelling curses backward.

A horde of Clefairy sprinted after them holding large rocks and yelling _"Death"_ in a horrifyingly monotonous tone.

They were followed by a thin man in a lab coat and glasses who yelled, "No, my darling Clefairies! You're supposed to worship me, not that imposter duck!" as he sprinted past them.

Finally, a massive Graveler glowing white hot rolled past them at top speeds.

Brock frowned as he peeked out from their tunnel. "Well, that looked like a fowl situation."

"It did seem fairy rocky," Ash mused.

Brock nodded. "I think we should duck away from that mess."

 _"Very punny,"_ Bulbasaur grumbled in his gravelly voice.

 _"I do believe Arceus is smirking right now,"_ Charmander mused.

Misty was vacantly staring at the wall.

"Uh, Misty?" Ash said as he waved his hand in front of her face. "Are you in there?"

"Ash Ketchum, you broke my bike! Go catch me that Psyduck if you want to survive!"

 **-qwerty-**

 _Next time on Survivor: Mt. Moon – Will Ash survive? Will Psyduck complete his violent overthrow of Seymour's Clefairy Kingdom? Find out next week!_

 **-Hall of Origins-**

The assembled crowd of legendaries burst into applause as Arceus strode to the front to give a speech.

"Thank you, thank you, you'll be glad to know that I have come to the descision that all legendaries must watch at least one hour of television a day!"

Everyone but Coballion wildly started cheering. "But sir, but sir, why have you dealt us such a punishment?"

Arceus grinned. "Morality."

 **-Hall of Origin-**

Arceus Jr. was creating life.

"Ahem, Mr. Creator, don't you think this is a bad idea?" one of the tiny Caterpies he had Made was saying.

Arceus Jr. shook his head. "Of course not, this is how all good creators get their ideas."

Caterpie stared at the sight in front of them. "Um, they have drunk Delibirds toss Dunsparces at a dart board.

Arceus smiled as he read the title. THNIGS THATT CAN HAPEN TO ASH KETCHUP AND GARRY OAKE. "What else?"

 **-Mt. Moon-**

Misty gaped at the scene of utter destruction in front of her. "Ash, wasn't this a bit much?"

Ash shrugged as his Pokemon clambered onto his head. "The Clefairy did say that they wanted to go to the moon, and I figured this was the best way to get them there."

"And Team Rocket?"

Brock chimed in. "I hear Alola is nice this time of year?"

"And the scientist?"

Ash shrugged. "I think the Graveler rolled off licking him, so I'm not really sure. I did catch Psyduck for you, didn't I?"

All thoughts disappeared from Misty's head as she fantasized about her beloved water types.

Charmander nodded sagely. _"You know, some people are just destined to join a cult over the course of their lifetime, and I think we just need to accept that."_

Bulbasaur sighed. _"Is my life ever going to make sense again?"_

 **[A/N] You know, I truly believe that it is important to have a motivation for everything we do. Here is a list of ways to justify all the time you just wasted:**

 **A deep desire to accomplish nothing in life**

 **You let Slugma a bit too close to Oddish (Not I, I is not this now no)**

 **Your deep love for succulents has led you through spiritual connection to I, kindred raiser of succulents, only to disappoint you with a lack of Cacturne in this fic**

 **You read any story with aura. You are a horrible person, and I blame you for the existance of Ash Betrayal fics.**

 **Mewtwo has cloned you, and your body double read this fic.**

 **You are here because you want to support me by favoriting and following this story and reviewing haha nope**

 **You actually enjoy my serious work (gasp* &) and were disappointed by whatever in Distortion this thing is**

 **cough coug cough cough You saw the romance and ignored the pairing, don't lie to me. Arceus Jr is rather hands- Wait, what?**

 **You drool when you change your search filter and look for Ash and Misty**

 **You wanted to read quality fanfiction. Also, you were delusional.**

 **Do it for the lulz.**

 **You read it only for the mediocre author's pathetic attempts at self-validation in the comments...**

 **W**

 **reviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreview**

 **Ok bye guys Imma go cuddle my stuffed Pikachu and cry now.**

 **[Actual A/N]**

 **Seriously guys, thank you for even bothering to read this joke story. It's a great way to relieve stress from my other serious projects and I do enjoy making my wierd and boring humor. So thanks for reading and reviewing!**

 **Peace, Pokefan87**


	6. Roses are Red, so is Misty's Hair

Chapter Six – Roses are Red, so is Misty's Hair

 **[A/N] I EXIST ON THIS EARTH FOR THE EXCESSIVE USE O IN THIS STUPID FANFICTION. MAKE SURE YOUR REVIEW IS I TO APPEASE ARCEUS.**

 **-Cerulean Outskirts-**

"Hey, look. There's a bike shop here in Cerulean City." Ash peered down over the tiny display on Dexter, unaware of what was going on above him.

 _"_ _Hold on!"_ Bulbasaur shrieked as he struggled to tie the stack of Pokemon together, wrapping around Ash's hat.

 _"I thought that today was supposed to be a quiet day, no?"_ Charmander said with a sigh, looking up from his book, 101 Ways to Politely Incinerate Your Enemies.

 _"Houston, we have a problem!"_

 _"Pi Pika Chu!"_

 _"You fools!"_ Caterpie cried as he laughed, shooting a strand of silk out to stabilize himself. _"As we teeter on the edge of the abyss, I ALONE have the tools to save myself from this perilous fall! When you perish, remember the Pallet Clan of Bug Ninjas!"_

 _"Um, Skarmory?"_ Nidoran asked timidly, _"Could you stop holding onto to me so tight?"_

 _"Sorry, I just h-h-hate heights,"_ the menacing metal bird muttered.

 _"When did Ash catch me?"_ Pidgey asked.

 _"Why am I in Kanto?"_ Swinub asked.

 _"Why do I exist?"_ Stunfisk asked.

"How did I get up here?" Brock asked, munching on a delicious jelly donut.

 _"What were we talking about again?"_ Bulbasaur asked.

Charmander frowned. _"I thought you might ask me where they all came from."_

 _"I don't even care anymore. Just answer the question, please."_

 _"_ _Um, bikes?"_

"NO!"

Ash frowned. "What do you mean, no?"

"I mean, there's no bike shop in Cerulean! And also we're not going to Cerulean! Ever! Because- Cerulean doesn't exist!" Misty blustered, chasing after Staryu who was busy sending Psyduck flying around the clearing.

Ash frowned. "But you said you lived in Cerulean."

"Well, I'm never going back there!"

"Why not?"

Misty gawked at him. "How dense are you? The Pokemon on your head must be getting to you!"

"What Pokemon?"

Brock bobbed upside down in front of Ash. "Woah, hey Ash! This is even more exciting than mending Suzy's underwear!"

Ash put Dexter back in his pocket. "Great, so we'll go to Cerulean, I'll win the gym battle, and I'll buy a bike for you so you can leave us alone!"

Misty glared at him. "Did you listen to anything I just said? I'm not going! You can't even pay for a bike!"

Dexter piped up from Ash's pocket. ASH KETCHUM HAS A BALANCE OF 1,000,000,000 POKE. IN COMPARISON, MISTY WATERFLOWER IS CURRENTLY 13,000 POKE IN DEBT AND IS SLEEPING ON HER OLDER SISTER'S COUCH.

"How do you know my bank account?"

"Omniscience?" Brock mused.

ASH STOLE YOUR WALLET TO LAUGH AT YOUR ID PICTURE, WHICH IS RATHER AWFUL, AND I PHOTOGRAPHED YOUR CREDIT CARDS AND YOUR ID. YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IS 21-

Ash thoughtfully nodded his head, causing calamity unbeknownst to him. Maybe he could buy a nice convertible with all of that money, then follow a bunch of cheerleaders to drive around with him while shouting obnoxious things at Gary. He could see where that might happen.

"Stop!" Misty shrieked. "Arceus, do something!"

 **-Suicune's Show-**

"Hello," Entei mumbled. "Suicune's sick, so I'm doing the show right now."

"Mr. Entei!" Spoink squealed excitedly. "Why do you always look so grumpy?"

 **-Static-**

"Now, kids," Entei sighed, shaking his yellow crown so it flopped down over his eyes. "Today, we're going to be eating pork chops. Remember your manners!"

"ARCEUS, BIG BROTHER! I TOLD YOU-"

 **-Static-**

Raikou panted frantically as she stood next to a computer. "Anyways, kids, today we're talking about the internet."

Entei settled down into his bed. "It's for the p-"

"PYUKUMUUKUS!" Raikou shrieked, throwing a handful of the adorable Pokemon at Entei. "Now, remember to be safe on the internet."

"Between social media and your activity, your entire life is online-"

"The internet is a wonderful place!"

"And even if you don't do that, virulent Porygon still have your credit cards and social security numbers-"

"YOU CAN HAVE A LOT OF FUN ON THE INTERNET!"

"So nothing you ever do will be private again."

"LOOK!" Raikou howled. "IT'S A CUTE LITTEN VIDEO! IT'S PURE! DOESN'T THAT RESTORE OUR FAITH IN LIFE? DOESN'T IT?!"

"But it's okay, because now we can all drown our depression in dank memes in our parent's den."

Raikou sobbed into the ground. "I l-l-like the cat videos. I-I was a k-k-kitten once too..."

"Next time, on Suicune's show: Poke-reddit!"

 **-Route One-**

Gary Oak had been busy. After all, world domination wasn't exactly going to come easy to him.

In the time since Ratatta had recovered, he had set about making a home out of Route One. After he found a nice overhang with a snug cave underneath, he had constructed a makeshift shelter to use as his home base. A short fallen log served as a work bench, and his sleeping bag stayed pushed against the other wall. Against the back wall, he had constructed the most secure unit he could, in which he put Magikarp and his extra food reserves. While it was nothing compared to his former home, he was proud of all of the effort he had poured into it.

Ratatta was also coming along well. The tiny mouse had reached level four, and had learned tail whip and sand attack. His stamina and endurance were improving, and Gary had begun letting him sleep at the foot of his bed. To his surprise, he had actually started to become fond of the tiny rat.

Their first battle had been a success. Gary had known him from Pallet, but his Charmander had been weak and unprepared for Gary's strategy, which was to spam his status moves then tackle the starter Pokemon.

Wimpy? Sure, but he won, and that was all Gary cared about.

Maybe Arceus was out to get him, or maybe everything that had happened was just stupid bad luck. Either way, Gary seemed to have been given one inadvertent gift – he could somehow talk to Pokemon.

He had been training by the river when he had spotted a Nidoran who was about to fall into the water. He had quickly ran over and carefully caught the poison type in his arms. Although Nidoran hadn't wanted to come with him, the Pokemon had told him about how the forest worked. Apparently, there were two warring Pokemon factions vying for control of Route One. There was a massive flock of Spearow led by a vicious Fearow on one side of the river, and a peaceful coalition of normal, bug, flying, and poison types on the other.

Gary had immediately set out to ally himself with the peaceful Pokemon. He knew that the forest dwellers were starting to recognize him and Ratatta.

Things were starting to change. He could feel his fortunes shifting into his favor. Before long, Ash Ketchum would tremble before him, and he would retake his rightful place in the Pokemon world.

 **-Cerulean City-**

"My eyes must be deceiving me, because I'm pretty sure that sign says 'Bike Shop'"

Misty jumped around in front of Ash and Brock as they contemplated the colorful storefront. "No, no, no, no, no. I told you we weren't coming here, so why would we be here? It's an illusion! Psyduck has been using us! This is all just a figment of your imagination in a deep coma!"

"So what about the big bike on top of the building?" Brock asked.

 _"He has a point,"_ Bulbasaur said as he looked up at the oversized sculpture.

 _"Ceci n'est pas un velo!"_ That was Charmander. It was always Charmander.

 _"Huh?"_

 _"Some french guy said it. That isn't a bike, it's a sculpture of a bike."_

 _"Ooo- Wait, but that's an actual bike- Is there a Deoxys on there?"_

 _"Greetings, Earthlings. Arceus Jr. sends his regards."_

Misty spluttered for a second. "Well, you can't go in!"

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Oh, it's probably because she's a gym leader," Brock said casually as he sat down to fold laundry.

"WHAT?"

"YOU KNEW?"

Brock shrugged. "Of course I knew, I go to all of the gym leader conferences. Ash can just challenge you for the right to enter the Bike Shop. Deoxys can be the referee!"

"DEOXYS?"

"SHE'S THE GYM LEADER?"

 _"The battle of the bikes?"_ Squirtle exclaimed gleefully.

 _"Indeed."_ Deoxys gave his signal.

 **-The Battle of the Bikes-**

"Wait, I don't understand, what's happening?"

Goldeen flopped uselessly onto the battlefield, because fish can't walk on land.

 _"Pikachu!"_

 **-Isn't Misty such a spoilsport?-**

 _"_ _Aaaand what did I expect?"_ Bulbasaur sighed.

Ash grinned as he picked the badge off of Misty's quivering prone body. Walking into where there had been a bike shop, he grabbed the last untouched bike and set it next to her body before turning to Brock.

"Okay, that was fun. Let's go to Vermillion City!"

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Solgaleo nodded from his newscasting bench. "Okay, let's see. Arceus has hired a new contractor for his fourth wall project. Regirock Inc. reported having their entire operation psychically lifted and dumped back into the ocean near Hoenn because they accidentally knocked over Mew's fourth tower."

"Arceus was unavailable to comment for this story."

 **-Omake – Jesus-kun Comes To Town #1-**

"Oh, Misty, I forgot."

Misty stopped as he took of his backpack. "What's up, Ash?"

Ash reached into his backpack and pulled out a bicycle. "I've had a bike this whole time! Here you go."

Misty looked at the bike, then the bag, then back at the bike. "Oh."

Ash nodded as he rooted in the bag. "Yeah, this mysterious dark guy dropped it off on the first day of my journey. It can hold anything!"

Misty frowned. "Like what?"

"Well, there were just a few masterballs, a few hundred eggs, a mysterious black book about aura, a wardrobe, some weird shiny stones in a box labeled 'mega,' a sceptre, a couple weird statues, a bunch of flutes, some weird orbs, Brock's harem medallion, this handkerchief that seems important, some gloves and a hat that glow blue, a lot of food, and a bunch of weird plates too."

She peeked into her bag. "Let's see, I have some hair ties, clothes, and half a sandwich. I think I'll be going now."

Ash nodded as he glowed blue and Arceus descended from the heavens above. "Yes, I think that would be for the best."

 **[A/N] REMEMBER TO REVIEW IN ALL CAPS!**

 **YOU COULD SUGGEST AN OMAKE!**

 **YOU COULD TELL ME HOW YOUR DAY WAS!**

 **YOU COULD TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE SHIP!**

 **JUST DO IT!**

 **And thank you, your service is an inspiration to us all.**

 **P.S. Quality Controlled Amour is now on the front page of Pokemon Communities! If you're an Amourshipper, make sure you follow the community and read all of the best Amour stories on the site!**


	7. Things Get Weirder

Chapter Seven – Things Get Weirder

 **[The Real A/N] I'm sorry, my loyal followers. I have lied to you.**

 **This story is not, actually, the pile of Trubbish you think it is.**

 **This is the bee's knees. This is one swanking great story, and I know y'alls love reading it just as much as I love writing it. I mean, who comes up with all of this? 10K words of it? That's an achievement if you ask me.**

 **Think about that one Bidoof sitting in the back of box sixteen, eating his digital cookies. Now imagine you named that Bidoof "Chunk Norris," and you teach it nothing but status moves and rock smash.**

 **You don't care about the game wants you to do.**

 **Team Galactic is gonna face the wrath of The Chunk.**

 **You're feeling it. Every time you go to Floraroma Town to buy more flower accessories for your delightful midafternoon strolls through Amity Square, you find yourself getting the urge to frolic in the flowers as you holler "IKU ZE" at the top of your lungs, alongside your faithful companion.**

 **You know that no matter what, you will have the Plump Mouse Pokemon right by your side, to guide you from darkness to light.**

 **This is the true meaning of Chosen By Arceus? Is this the true meaning of Chosen By Arceus? My titular punctuation confuses even me.**

 **Thank you, Chunk Norris. Thank you, my loyal accolades.**

 **Okay, you can go revi-**

 **[A/N] Sorry about that, I had a moment of clarity and happiness in my depression. This was unintentional. We can all go back to drowning our sorrows in dank memes now.**

 **-Ash is lost… Again…-**

"Hey Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there a girl on a bike following behind us?"

 **-Spoilers: It's Misty-**

Misty, Princess of the Mallets, was on the hunt.

Her loyal mallet was securely fastened to her back. Her water type Pokemon were ready to rip insolent little punk trainers to shreds. She was back on her bike, ready to take on whatever might come her way. When she got to Ash, she would hurt him, then she would hug him to make all- Wait, where had that come from?

She didn't care. Nothing could stand in her-

A Butterfree flittered across the path.

"AAAAASSSSSHHHHH! HEEELP MEEEEEE!"

 **-Hall of Origins-**

"Alright, order everyone! We have to go through our quarterly report!" Arceus boomed.

Mew, Hoopa, and Victini stopped chasing each other around, and Keldeo and Raquayza stopped sparing. Palkia stopped cuddling him and stood as still as rock, while Dialga stifled a laugh on his other side. Several legendaries popped into the room, and in seconds the table was in silent order.

"Ho-oh!"

The fiery bird angrily looked up at the creator. "That stupid son of yours ruined ten careful years of planing! Ash was supposed to come into his role _slowly._ Can you get your-"

Arceus nodded as he froze Ho-oh in place. "Wonderful, wonderful. Azelf?"

"You know I resent your existence for making me babysit Mew, and am always plotting the thousands of ways I can succeed in acheiving your downfall."

"I'm glad to hear it. Raikou?"

The electric dog burst into tears.

Arceus smiled. He just loved it when his job went smoothly. "Those are all of the individual reports I wanted. Now, onto the first order of business. What should we do about fillers?"

"You have already set out world so far askew, I cannot sleep because of my migranes!" Zygarde hissed.

"But you can't sleep, sir," Volcanion whispered into his ear.

"I can dream, okay!" Zygarde protested, fluffing out his tentacles as he glowed green.

"But how can you dream if you can't sleep?"

There was suddenly a doughnut shaped hole in the fabrics of reality.

"# $%#T^?" Nihilego asked.

"Um, excuse me? Haven't we made it clear before that nobody here likes you?" Latias said pointedly before launching him back to his dimension.

Nihilego would always remember that moment as the start of his goal for domination of the Pokemon world.

"Thank you, Zygarde. Anyone else?"

"If we do not allow Ash to partake in these experiences," Mespirit said, "Then he may never recover. He has already taken enough damage to his mind."

"Oh, ignore her, she's such a downer," Palkia muttered to Arceus, warping space to distract the creator from her alluring psychic energies. "I don't want to watch it happen, that's sooo boring."

"I have it!" Arceus exclaimed. "We'll combine them all into one scene and see what happens!"

"This ends poorly," Uxie said matter of factly, floating out of the room as she pushed past Arceus Jr.

"Hey everyone, what did I miss?"

Arceus smiled as a horde of furious legendaries descended on his son. His plans were now in motion, and it would all be in his glory.

It was a shame about the fourth wall, though. Maybe Azelf would actually fix it properly.

Then again, the last time Mew had been bored, the Hall had been filled with Pyukumukus floating around in bubbles for a week, so maybe that wasn't the best idea.

 **-Somewhere In Between Cerulean and Vermillion-**

:GYM – 98 WINS, 0 WINS:

Lightning flashed through the fog bank as Ash stared up at the dark outline of the lighthouse in front of him. "Huh, I didn't think there was a gym out here."

Misty and Brock shot each other a meaningful glance. "That's because it's not."

Bulbasaur sighed in relief. _"Great, so can we avoid the shady fake gym on the edge of the cliff with the ominous foreshadowing? I'm thinking spending a nice dry night in the Pokemon Center, maybe getting some good food, and a glass of something..."_

"Awesome, I'm going to be the first loss that fake gym leader gets!" Ash exclaimed. "Anyways, how could I lose?"

 _"Of course not. Of course his ego has something to say about it,"_ the grass type grumbled.

 _"Something feels off..."_ Charmander mused.

 _"Seventeen thousand edits to the fabric of reality will do that to you,"_ Squirtle said mildly as he lounged beneath Pikachu.

 _"Huh?"_

 _"My, isn't this lovely pickleball weather?"_

Pikachu just sighed and held his Gameboy closer to his face. Bulbasaur didn't have to ask to know he was playing Pokemon – Yellow. _"I guess Ash isn't the only one with an ego."_

"Hey Ash," Misty said as they walked under the sign towards the looming lighthouse. "Do you see a fire?"

As they walked closer, a black Pokemon with a flame on the tip of its tail huddled down on its stump. Ash gaped at it. "Woah, is that some kind of Pokemon?"

 _"No, Ash, it's a tree."_

A spark lit in Ash's eyes, and he smiled. "That's so cool! I didn't know there were fire trees!"

"That's no tree," Brock said ominously, shadows spilling down his face as he looked to the ground.

 _"Now we're getting somewhere."_

 _"You know, Bulbasaur, your constant snark is beginning to get on my nerves."_

 _"Shut up, Charmander."_

"It's a shiny Charmander!"

"SQUIRTLE!"

Five Squirtles wearing sunglasses shot through the fog. One of them was carrying a dark green Bulbasaur, and another Squirtle, this one a pale blue, grabbed Charmander before they sprinted into the lighthouse. The massive bronze door slammed shut behind them with a massive thud.

Misty gaped at the tower. "Was that three shiny starters in the same place?"

Brock nodded. "Of course, seems about right."

"Why don't I have any shiny Pokemon yet?" Ash exclaimed as he took off towards the tower. "C'mon, I need to catch them, let's go!"

As Ash burst through the doors, a trainer with blue hair and sunglasses turned around and grinned savagely. "Oh, good, another runt I can crush."

"Who are you?" Ash asked.

"My name is Damien, and I'm the unofficial gym trainer," he exclaimed.

Brock stepped forwards. "Do you know anything about the Pokemon who was outside?"

Damien nodded. "Oh, yeah, that Charmander used to be mine, but it was a weakling. Couldn't even beat the gym leader, can you believe it? I'm glad the Squirtle Squad brought it back for the gym leader's collection, along with that Bulbasaur that garden was hiding."

"..."

"What?"

Ash's shoulders shook as he started to glow bright blue. "You abandoned a Pokemon?"

"Hell yeah, why would I keep a weakling like that around? Besides, why do you care?"

"Why do I care?"

"Yeah, why do you care?"

"I'll tell you why I care!"

"OKAY, TELL ME WHY YOU CARE!"

"I WILL!"

"DO IT NOW!"

"I HAVE A HERO COMPLEEEEEEEEEX!" Ash screamed as he punched Damien through the wall and out towards the ocean.

Misty smiled wistfully as she saw the ocean. "Sometimes I wish I could return to the ocean too and live life as a Feebas."

 _"Don't say that too loudly,"_ Bulbasaur sighed. _"Chances are, it'll happen."_

Damien laughed as he punched through the side of the St. Anne cruise ship, sending the ship sinking down into the ocean depths alongside his brutally crushed figure. "I probably deserve this, don't I?"

It's okay, Damien. At least your worthless life helped Arceus avert one annoying long filler arc.

"Greetings," a dark shadow boomed from the far side of the lighthouse's top floor. Then, a light switch flipped and a meek man with glasses said, "Welcome to Bill's gym!"

"Oh no, it's Bill!" Misty exclaimed in shocked horror as Psyduck used her, Goldeen, and Staryu for juggling practice.

"Bill..." Ash groaned.

"Why is everything always Bill's fault?" Brock asked pensively as he scribbled down a quick will onto his arm.

 _"_ _No, Ash. Everything is your fault."_

 _"Actually, I believe that all of this is Arceus' fault."_

 _"Am I the only one who thinks this fic hasn't had enough Lugia yet?"_

 _"Chu ka pi."_

"Nobody has ever beaten my gym!" said Bill, menacingly pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "In this gym, we battle using humans transformed in my Pokemon Transformation Machine! If you win, then you get my entire Pokemon collection!"

"No."

"No."

" _We'll pass."_

 _"For once, I agree with Bulbasaur."_

 _"Arceus… Please..."_

 _"Pikachu..."_

"You're on," Ash exclaimed. "I've got two whole gym badges and I just turned my cap backwards, so how could I lose?"

Bill malevolently smiled. "I can see you are already playing into my evil plans!"

"Awesome!"

Bulbasaur looked up at the sky. _"When can I leave?"_

Bill snapped his fingers, and a boy wearing a power harness walked out of the back room. "Perfect! I will use A.J. He used to run this gym before I kidnapped him to turn him into a Sandshrew!"

Ash nodded, "Okay, I'll use Misty!"

Bulbasaur groaned, " _This just took a darker turn."_

"NO!"

Bill glanced down at his computer. "Hmm, according to my Biometric Videosanguipoketorianistical Radioeledunsparcianistic Scanner, she'll turn into a Feebas if I use the machine on her."

"YES!"

"In that case, never mind," Ash said, thinking hard. Who could he use?

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To uni-"

"They'll do," he yawned.

A loud zap rang across the battlefield, and Ekans, Koffing, and a girl wearing a light brown dress fell to the floor. "Meowth!" she exclaimed, scrambling away from Bill in fear.

A Sandshrew landed on the battlefield, and Bill laughed maniacally. "You cannot beat A.J., he is resistant to all water type attacks!"

"No," Misty gasped in horror, covering her mouth. "We don't stand a chance!"

"Hey, Bill!" Melanie yelled. "I knew this was your fault! Everything is Bill's fault. Give me back Bulbasaur!"

"Sludge bomb!"

Sandshrew flew backwards into a wall of machinery as Officer Jenny rode into the room. "I'm here to arrest the Squirtle Squad!"

"Jenny! Oh, your eyes sparkle with the magnificence of-"

Misty's mallet found the back of Brock's head.

A group of students ran out of the hole A.J had created in the wall. One girl fell at Ash's feet in gratitude. "Oh, thank you. My name is Gisele, we're from Pokemon Tech and Bill was holding us all hostage after we lost to him."

"Hey, there's still a kid in there!" Officer Jenny yelled as she mud wrestled the shiny Squirtle to the ground.

"It's okay, nobody likes Joe," Gisele said as she massaged Ash's feet.

"HERO COMPLEX!"

"Does he do that often?" Melanie asked.

 _"You have no idea,"_ Bulbasaur grumbled.

"He kicked me in the face," Gisele whispered in reverent awe. "I have to keep this bruise forever..."

"I was going to be a Feebas..." Misty sighed as she continued pummeling Brock into the ground.

"Don't hit me, blame it on Bill!" Brock exclaimed.

"Yeah!"

"Let's blame Bill."

"It's all Bill's fault!"

Bill laughed nervously as the characters from at least five filler episodes converged on him angrily. "I'll be going now..."

"LUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAA!"

 _"Thank you, Arceus..."_ Squirtle muttered reverently.

Yes, you will, Bill. Yes you will.

 **-As Bill Crashed Into a Remote Mountain Range, Setting Off a Series of Events That Are All His Fault-**

Gary was-

 **-Suicune's Show-**

Suicune panted as she screamed, "NO!"

Entei sighed as he drooped over the edge of his chair. "It's educational to be taught about-"

"K+! K+! K+!"

 **[A/N] Did you follow any of that? Good, neither did I.**

 **Laziness is a powerful motivator. Here is a full list of episodes I will not be doing individual chapters for because I have put th parts in this chapter:**

 **-Episode 8: The Path to the Pokemon League**

 **-Episode 9: The School of Hard Knocks**

 **-Episode 10: Bulbasaur and the Hidden Village**

 **-Episode 11: Charmander – The Stray Pokemon**

 **-Episode 12: Here Comes the Squirtle Squad**

 **-Episode 13: Mystery at the Lighthouse**

 **-Episode 15: Battle Aboard the St. Anne**

 **-Episode 16: Pokemon Shipwreck**

 **-Episode 17: Island of the Giant Pokemon**

 **I mean, goddamn does this show have some filler (Blah blah catching Pokemon blah blah character development I get it okay?)**

 **It's probably Bill's fault.**

 **If you like memes, review this story.**

 **If you don't like memes, I appreciate your dedication to making yourself suffer, so you should still review.**

 **If you don't review, then Bill will get his way and the universe -might- end.**

 **Just saying.**

 **Not like it won't be his fault.**

 **But it'll be your fault too.**

 **Just review, okay?**

 **DO IT FOR CHUNK NORRIS!**


	8. Ash Loses a Battle?

Chapter Eight – Ash Loses a Battle?

 **[A/N] Me: Inhales**

 **Also me: IKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

 **We will now resume your regularly scheduled programming.**

 **-Vermillion City-**

"Alright, Bulbasaur! Use frenzy plant!"

Bulbasaur sighed lazily as he ran around the battlefield in circles. _"Ash, I'm not going to use Frenzy Plant. Look at how tired that Ratatta is already."_

The small purple Pokemon huffed as it ran after Bulbasaur in vain. " _Come back here so I can bite you!"_

"Please? I want to win! I'm going to be a Pokemon Master!" Ash whined.

"Why is he always such a whiny brat?" Misty whispered to Brock.

 _"Yeah, Bulbasaur!"_ Nidoran cheered from Ash's side. _"_ _You can win, I believe in you!"_

Charmander lounged on top of Ash's head, casually talking to Caterpie as he ignored the chaos around him. _"_ _Isn't Nidoran such a sweetie?"_

 _"Yes, but I do wonder..."_

 _"About what?"_

Caterpie hummed as he adjusted his headband with his tail. _"Well, the rest of us all seem to be rather extraordinary in one way or another. I mean, you starters are all insane-"_

 _"I rather detest you for that one."_

 _"And every other Pokemon he's caught has been powerful, even Skarmory. Nidoran just..."_

 _"Isn't?"_ It hurt Charmander to say it, staring down at the enthusiastic young Pokemon.

 _"_ _Yeah."_

"Bulbasaur!"

The seed Pokemon whipped around, and a visible shudder ran through the unfortunate Ratatta. Extending one vine whip, Bulbasaur tapped the Pokemon's head and knocked it out cold.

A writhing mass of vines exploded around a nearby tree, plucked two criminals and a cat out of the branches, and flung them into the ocean.

 _"_ _Frenzy plant. Are you happy now?"_

"No!" Ash yelled. "Why didn't you listen to me?"

 _"Because using Frenzy Plant on a little baby Ratatta like that would kill it!"_ Bulbasaur shrieked.

"I'm your trainer, you're supposed to respect me!"

Bulbasaur burst out laughing, only to stop midgasp as a red flash enveloped his body and he disappeared.

The battlefield was absolutely silent.

 _"Did Ash-"_ Caterpie whispered.

 _"He did. Everything will be different now. Our lives as we know it may have just ended. Gone will be our long head sits. Soon, Giratina will rise from the underworld and Darkrai will eat the sun. I am alreay mentaly composing my will. How does part of my gardening non-fiction section and a selection of fire bathsalts sound?"_

 _"I'll take the TV!"_ Squirtle yelled.

Pikachu was furiously texting his agent.

 _"_ _It's okay, it's okay,"_ Nidoran said as he paced around in circles. _"Ash is your trainer, he caught you just like you always wanted him to! He would never recall you! He wouldn't do that, right?"_

"This is what a turning point in a story looks like?" Brock asked absentmindedly as he brushed Geodude.

Misty shrugged. "There does seem to be an awful lot of foreshadowing for it not to be."

"Um, excuse me?" Ash looked up from the pokeball he was tightly clutching in his gloved hand to see the young girl he had been battling in front of him. "Thank you for battling me! How are you so strong?"

Charmander raised an eyebrow. _"Bulbasaur literally ran around in cirlces then used one of the weakest grass type moves..."_

Ash scratched his head, so obviously playing bashful that even Pikachu winced. "Well, I'm not that strong, but I do have two gym badges." He swung his jacket open to show the kid his badges.

"Wow!"

"Stroke his ego, will you?" Misty grumbled.

"You know you could probably take on the Vermillion City gym! I hear Lt. Sarge is really strong."

Ash puffed his chest out, already strutting off in the general direction of the gym. "Well, let's go! There's no way I can loose!"

 **-Hall of Origin-**

It was dark and stormy in the Hall of Origin. Shadows clung to the wall, and the air felt heavy and oppressive.

"Thundurus! Tornadus! You can stop laying it on so thick now!" Arceus called, before returning to his watch over the heavens and the universe with a sigh.

The parenting handbook Palkia had made him read said decaders were supposed to make mistakes, right? He could intervene now, but if he did, Palkia would probably yell at him.

And when the lord of space yelled, you didn't hear it. You felt it in every fiber of your being.

Arceus sighed. He was getting tired of hearing so many explosions from the fourth wall. Maybe it was time to get an independant non-legendary contractor...

He was rather partial to Musharna...

 **-Vermillion City-**

"I'm here to challenge the gym!"

A low resounding laugh filled the space. "Oh, yeah? Are you ready to loose then? This gym isn't for weaklings, is it?"

Ash grinned as he took his place on the battlefield. "I've never lost a battle! I bet you can't beat any of my Pokemon."

The gym leader stepped out of the shadows, and- oh, wait a moment...

This guy was buff. Like, works out twice a day fit. The shadowed lighting shone on his bulging abs, popping his tank top out like rocks. His massive biceps trembled as he explained the rules of the gym in a voice that said, "I exist in this life for the sole purpose of going to the gym." Even in his baggy combat pants, it was abundantly clear that his legs were as bulky as a Rhyperiors. A glistening sheen of sweat outlined his ripped abs, a buzz cut outlining a square jaw. His blond hair only served to highlight his gluteus maximus, minimus, _and_ medius – at the same time. His combat boots sang of his confidence and cockiness, mirrored in his idle smirk. His hands were built to fight, calloused palms and knuckles leading to long stocky fingers. He had that prescence – that walk into a room and everyone else stops and stares sort of attention getting power.

Did I mention that he was buff. Anyways...

"Raichu, beat this punk up!"

Brock stared at the scar on Raichu's ear. "Hey, Ash? I wouldn't underestimate this guy..."

"Alright, Nidoran, you're on!" Ash threw the pokeball onto the battlefield, and Nidoran appeared on the battlefield in a daze.

 _"Who- Huh? Am I battling?"_ Nidoran said dazedly, then looked up at the menacing Pokemon looming over him. _"Oh. Okay. Um, Ash, you know I love you for putting me in buuuuut I'm reeealy not so sure about this?"_

Raichu's cheek pouches sparked, and Nidoran back up towards Ash a bit.

 _"This whole thing is ridiculous,"_ Bulbasaur grumbled.

 _"I know, right? Who spends that much time describing Lt. Sarge, of all characters?"_ Squirtle mumbled back.

Charmander frowned at the battlefield. _"Which part of it? Also, when did you get out of that dreadful pokeball?"_

 _"_ _Ash sat on it."_

 _"Seems like an Ash sort of thing to do."_

Misty rested her face on her palm, watching the ten year old with exasperation. "Seriously, what is he doing? I don't understand anymore."

Brock stared ahead in silence.

She lightly pushed him. "Hey! Who said you could ignore me? I asked you a question!"

"Shh..."

"What?"

Brock slowly nodded, ancient winds blowing through his hair spikes. "This is a mysterious phenomenon, Misty Waterflowers of the noble line of Cerulean. Many seek it out in their lifetimes, but few will every reach it. Arceus has truly blessed us to show us this wonder."

"Brock?"

"Yes?"

Misty shot him her best glare. "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Brock Harrison of the noble line of Pewter, Rockless Trainer of Rocks, Wooer of Women, Chef of the Finest Jelly Donuts in All of Kanto, and Acclaimed Seamstress, nodded. "This trial which I speak of is-"

"Just spit it out already!"

"Character development."

Ash pulled his Pokedex out of his pocket and said, "Dexter!"

WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?

"What moves does Nidoran know?"

LEER, PECK, AND FOCUS ENERGY.

"Ooh, what's Focus Energy?"

ONE OF THE MOST WORTHLESS MOVES TO EXIST IN THE POKEMON UNIVERSE.

"Oh."

Nidoran hopped from one foot to the other, shaking out his hind legs in excitement. _"Alright, Nidoran, you've got this. You can do this. Mom always said you could do anything if you put your mind to it! Who cares that it's a Raichu? Which is a fully evolved Pokemon. With battle scars. And a scary tail..."_

Lt. Sarge and Raichu both burst out laughing. "You're kiding me, right? You have a weak Nidoran that you don't even know the moves for, and you say you're here to beat me? What worthless excuses for gym leaders gave you your first two badges?"

Misty and Brock looked awkwardly in opposite directions.

Raichu chuckled evilly as he loomed over Nidoran. _"For dinner sometimes, we like to eat rabbit stew. As much as Lopunny and Bunnelby are delicious, I've always had a craving for Nidorino..."_

Nidoran squealed in shock, frozen to the spot as his ears flattened to his head.

"Pika!"

Raichu glared at the mouse Pokemon standing on top of Ash's head. "Kapikachu chuka pi pi kapipi kachuka chu!"

"Pika pi pi chu pi chu Pika-pi chukapi Pikachu Pikachu. Pi pikachu chupika pika pi-pika pipikapi pi chukapika pi chu chu kapi cha chu. Chu Pikachu! Pikaa chuka pipika Pikachu chuu chuka, Pika pi pika chu kapi. Pi Pika-pi pika pi kapi chuupikaa!"

Raichu growled angrily, sending off sparks as Pikachu's cheeks sparked. "Pi? Pi Pikachu _rai_!"

Pikachu hissed as he jumped into the air. "PIKACHUU!"

Raichu kicked the ground, sending a dust cloud into the air which dispelled the thunderbolt. "Pika rai chu ka Raika, chuucha!"

"PIKACHUU!"

Raichu dodged quickly, then knocked Pikachu backwards into the wall. The yellow mouse Pokemon layed there dazed for a moment before slinking back onto Ash's head and falling asleep.

Bulbasaur blinked. _"Did you follow that?"_

 _"I think so..."_ Charmander hummed. _"I must admit, my Pichupi has gotten a bit rusty, but I believe Pikachu told Raichu to stop, then Raichu refused, so Pikachu said Ash would crush him, then Raichu called Pikachu an extraordinarily nasty word, then beat him in that quick battle. I suppose Pikachu's pride is wounded."_

 _"But... Why in Pichupi?"_

 _"Didn't you know? Raichu supremacy is a big problem around here."_

"Go Nidoran! Use peck!"

Raichu, who had been shooting Pikachu mocking expressions, flinched as Nidoran's horn slammed into his face. Slowly, he turned as he expression grew intensely rageful. _"I hope you regret that."_

 _"Um, Ash?"_ Nidoran laughed nervously as he slowly backed away from the Pokemon. _"I don't really think that worked..."_

Raichu thunderpunched Nidoran in the chest, and he hit the wall, then went through the wall, then through a couple rows of buildings before landing in the ocean.

 _"Nidoran!"_ Charmander and Bulbasaur cried as Skarmory and Pidgey burst out of their pokeballs and speeding after the tiny Pokemon.

Stunfisk sighed wistfully. _"That looks like fun..."_

Brock bowed his head. "It is done."

Misty blinked, then started laughing. "That was the most one-sided battle I've ever seen in my life! Ash Ketchum, you suck!"

Ash stared at the battlefield where his Pokemon had been. Had he just lost? No, it couldn't be, he-

Lt. Sarge recalled Raichu and turned away. "Come back when you learn how to be a real trainer, kid. Now, get out of my building!"

The lights turned off, and Ash was plunged into darkness.

 **-Hall of Origins-**

Arceus really hated it when Palkia was angry. "Honey, please, you know we can't do anything."

"Oh, don't give me that! Of course you can do something, just look at what our son is doing down there! Manaphy, tell him I'm right!"

Manaphy bobbed her head, warbling happily. "Yes, mister Palkia's mate and lord of the universe, you should listen to Palkia!"

Arceus stared down at the small Pokemon. "Manaphy, do you still not know my name?"

"Nope!"

Arceus sighed as Manaphy giggled happily. "But I'm Arceus, people should know my name..."

"Oh please, you know much I think of your big stupid ego!" Palkia exclaimed, space warping oddly around her head as she got more animated.

"But honey, I made the universe!"

Manaphy clapped delightedly. "That's the four million, one hundred and fifty two thousand, nine hundred and twenty sixth time he's used that one liner, Palkia."

"Twenty seventh," Uxie murmured as she floated past sleepily.

"Shut up, Uxie, you're such a know-it-all!"

Arceus shook his head, "Manaphy, she's the being of knowledge, what did you expect?"

Manaphy pouted. "That's what I meant, anyways."

"Stop. Ignoring. Me!" Palkia thundered. "Did you see what happened to that poor Nidoran? You can't leave him with Ketchum."

"But he's my chosen one. What am I supposed to do?"

Palkia waved her arms around wildly. "I don't know, but whatever your son did to him corrupted him, or something!"

"Oh, so now he's my son?"

"Arceus..."

Arceus pondered the issue for a moment of eternity before realizing he had the perfect solution. "Palkia, how do you feel about getting back at our son for the mess he made?"

 **-Route One-**

Gary was woken up by the Nidoran sobbing onto his shirt. He sat up wildly, and the small purple Pokemon spilled into his lap. "Huh? What's going on? Why are you here?"

 _"H-h-hello, mister. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened, I was in the Pokemon center one second and now I'm here..."_

He stared at the Pokemon, taking in the bruises and cuts all over its body. His heart softened a little, and he picked the Pokemon up and held it to his chest. "Hey, hey, it's okay. Why don'tcha tell me what happened?"

 _"_ _Well, I was caught.."_

Gary listened quietly as Nidoran told his story, growing angry as he heard about the trainer Nidoran had. Although the small Pokemon hadn't said it, he was beginning to get the feeling that Nidoran had been mostly ignored. After he was done, Gary asked, "Actually, do you think you'd want to stay with me?"

Nidoran's eyes shone. _"I'd love that."_

"Now that I'm thinking about it, who was your trainer's name?" Gary asked.

"Ash. Ash Ketchum."

 **-Vermillion City-**

"Flare Blitz!"

The Vermillion Gym exploded into flames as Ash strode away, tightly clutching the badge to his chest. A troubled look crossed his face.

 _How could I let myself lose?_

 **[A/N] Character development and real plot? In the same chapter? I- I-**

 **IT'S BROCKTOBER! THAT MEANS THERE IS NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT ASH OR MISTY, GARY OR NIDORAN!**

 **Any reviews mentioning our lord and savior Brock Harrison (Of which I expect there will be many) must use his full name and titles:**

 _ **Brock Harrison of the noble line of Pewter, Rockless Trainer of Rocks, Wooer of Women, Chef of the Finest Jelly Donuts in All of Kanto, and Acclaimed Seamstress**_

 **Either that, or write a haiku about Slowbro using the word 'derp.'**

 **I love how creative I can make you guys be with the power of the meme.**

 **READ REVIEW RECYCLE**


	9. From the Top to the Bottom

Chapter Nine – From the Top to the Bottom!

 **[A/N] Bottom to Top I Stop!**

 **Get it, because it's like Maractus?**

 **-Some People in this World Just Can't Even-**

 _"_ _Ash, you're an idiot!"_

"Hey! What was that for?" Ash yelled across the field.

Bulbasaur was done sighing, settling for grinding his vine whips into the ground in agitation. _"I told you that you should CATCH the Swablu, not literally catch them"_

Ash's eyes widened as he let a pile of a dozen or so Swablu fall out of his arms. "Shut up! I was getting there anyways."

 _"Pikachu, why did you shock an entire flock of Swablu out of the sky?"_ Charmander inquired.

The electric mouse was to busy sparking his cheeks and prancing around in front of the gathering of twelve Mareep, a Miltank, and an extraordinarily confused and depressed Stunfisk to notice.

 _"Right. How could I forget his ego?"_

 _"Ash, you're doing it again! The farmer said that you could take one Pokemon. One! And what do we get? I mean, you're practically a shepard now. ARE YOU LISTENING? I'M TELLING YOU THAT YOU DON'T NEED TEN SWABLU!"_

Misty sighed and stared at the sky. "Isn't it peaceful today?"

Brock nodded as Pikachu iron tailed Stunfisk into the back of Ash's head. "It's nice to have so peace for once, being around Ash gets crazy sometimes."

 **-Professor Oak's Lab-**

Samuel groaned as a tiny icon on his desktop ticked upwards to 287.

At the rate Ash was catching Pokemon, he was going to need to brush up on the technical biology of Spinda spots.

Oh yes, little Lilah Green was going to be having a very interesting tenth birthday if he wanted to keep paying the rent on his laboratory. Where had he put his extra Magikarp again?

 **-Hall Of Origins-**

Arceus was omnipitent.

He was the ruler of the motherquacking universe. His wife could literally control space. He got to stand around and just look _cool._ All day. Every day. For eternity.

"Sir, you do have a passing resemblance to an alpaca, so I'm not sure how cool you are exactly."

"Terrakion?"

The burly fighting type looked at him.

"Can't you go chase some Castform around for a few thousand years or something?"

The sword of justice sighed. "Sir, Dialga told me I had to 'shut him up about his ego for once in a millennium,' so I'm afraid I'm obligated to stand her until he stops freezing my legs still in time."

Arceus frowned at the dark energy swirling around the legendary Pokemon's legs. "That would make it harder for me to remove you, wouldn't it? Perhaps the distortion world..."

Terrakion blanched. "Oh, please, don't punish me like that." His voice dropped to a whisper. "We all know what Giratina is like."

The conversation stopped as a pink bubble drifted slowly down in between Terrakion and Arceus before popping with an explosive boom.

Arceus slowly looked down to glare at Marshadow, Phione, and Mew. "Why do I even let other legendaries into my nice quiet clean hall?"

"Because otherwise you'd be stuck with nobody but Dialga and Palkia for company."

Arceus hummed thoughfully. "I could bring Giratina back from the Distortion World." 

They took one look at each other and burst out laughing.

 **-dlroW noitrotsiD-**

"Run, Sheldon!" Newton Graceland screamed as he dashed along the bottom of an apartment building. "We're not going to make it!"

Giratina appeared in front of them, and he covered his ears in vain. "Hey, hey, guys, wanna hear another good one?"

"No!"

"Why do I keep losing my _Sawks_ in the laundry?"

"Please don't do this!"

"Because I keep _Throhing_ them behind the dryer!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 **-P lot? What Plot?-**

"Come with me!"

Misty and Brock both yelped as gloved hands pulled them into a bush. A particularly thorny bush filled with Wumple.

Brock stared at the man in the black cloak who pulled them down as Misty dissolved into hysterics. "Um, who are you?"

The man chuckled ominously. "My name is Ominous Evil Darkness Phil Murderson, and I am from the completely original and totally powerful Team Death."

"Never heard of you."

Ominous flinched. "What do you mean, you've never heard of us? Our mission statement is all about raging and destroying the world without any back story or particular motive! Surely, you must have-"

"Nope. So, do you guys kill people or something?" Brock asked calmly as Misty took a deep breath then kept screaming.

"Um, well, not really… 

"What about Pokemon?"

"Not exactly..."

"Torture? Kidnappings? High level governmental conspiracy? Secrative training programs that make all of your members overpowered super villains?"

Ominous scratched his head sheepishly. "Well, we do steal Pokemon from unnamed secondary characters occasionally… Oh, and we're also pretty good at stealing fossils and using convoluted arcane metheods to take partial control over legendary Pokemon."

"BROCK, STOP TALKING AND GET THESE STUPID BUGS AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE!"

Brock nodded sagely as he threw a handful of Wumple away from the shivering Water Type Trainer. "Right, so what do you want?"

"Betray Ash Ketchum."

"Why?"

The man looked flabbergasted. "Um… I could give you money and Pokemon?"

"The money you get from route one trainers and your half trained Pokemon?"

Misty laughed, and she high fived with Brock. "Brocked it!"

"Oh no, all of my most devious plans have failed me!" Ominous cried out. "It's time for me to use my secret weapon, which will turn you evil if you even hear a single note."

"Okay." Brock pulled two pairs of earmuffs out of his bag, and he and Misty put them on as they clambered out of the bush. "Nice talking to you Ominous."

"Wait, I haven't even explained all of my plans to you yet!" he cried after them before someone tapped his shoulder.

A very angry Jigglypuff glared at him, and he felt his bones chill. _"You told me they wanted to hear my performance!"_

He gulped as she started double slapping him. "I don't suppose you want any level six Ratatta, huh?"

His plans for the day hadn't really included the eighteen and a half hour nap, had they?

Misty and Brock were having an intense conversation without any knowledge of what the other was saying.

"How could you leave those awful bugs on me!"

"Where's Ash?"

 **-South Kalosian Salt Fields-**

 _"_ _I think we're lost,"_ Bulbasaur sighed as they trudged past another colony of Aron.

 _"Ah, don't be_ _foolish, it's all part of the adventure,"_ Charmander said relaxedly as another geyser exploded over their heads. _"_ _Don't you just delight in the experimental thrill of exploration?"_

 _"No. No I don't."_

Ash frowned. "Okay, so Lavender Town should be to the right..." He turned ninety degrees and walked directly into the scuttling form of a Durant. Absent mindedly, he stuck a pokeball out and caught the Unovan steel type. "Huh, I wonder whether it's on top of that cliff..."

 _"No, I really think we're lost."_

 **-Kanto-**

Misty stopped short as Ash crashed into the ground through the trees, formed an aura bubble around his body, bounced into Team Rocket sending them flying back into the sky, then came to a perfect stop in the middle of the road. "Hey guys!"

Bulbasaur groaned as he rolled off of Ash's shoulder. _"I think I'm going to be sick."_

 _"_ _You know, I used to understand physics..."_

 _"Shut up Charmander, literally nobody asked you."_

"I bet you guys won't guess what I caught!" Ash exclaimed enthusiastically. "It's the coolest Pokemon ever!"

Brock stroked his chin channeling the wisdom of his hair spikes. "Hm… I know, did you catch a Lucario?"

"Nope!"

"Uh, Garchomp?"

"No."

"Greninja?"

"No."

"Gardevoir?"

"No."

"Dragonair?"

"No..."

Two hundred and thirty seven guesses later, Brock flopped to the ground in exhaustion. "Okay, I give up. What did you catch?"

Ash thrust his pokeball into the air before holding it to his chest and declaring with fanfare, "Behold, the Pokemon I caught in a furious battle-"

 _"_ _It was sleeping,"_ Bulbasaur interjected.

"-after a desperate struggle-"

 _"_ _Ash, you've literally never struggled for a single day in your life."_

"-who stands before you now!"

Misty stared down at the small blue Pokemon with a blank stare. "Um, Ash, what is it exactly?"

Ash stopped grinning as stared curiously down at the Pokemon, who yawned tiredly. "Huh. I have no idea."

Brock pulled out his Pokedex and pointed it downwards. ELEKTRIK, THE ELEFISH POKEMON. THIS POKEMON IS LITERALLY SO FORGOTTEN THAT ARCEUS IS ALEDGED TO HAVE THOUGH THE TYNAMO LINE WAS A TWO STAGE EVOLUTION FOR SEVERAL MILLENIUM. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THAT COLOR SCHEME, AND IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A FIN?

There was a moment of stunned silence.

Then another. And another. And-

 **-Suicune's Show-**

Suicune was staring vacantly ahead. "Ash Ketchum… Elektrik… What is this world coming to..."

"Suicune, pay attention to me!" Raikou shrieked as she ran another fifteen laps around her. "I told you we're loosing ratings! The kids aren't watching us anymore!"

"What? What could possibly be better than our show?"

"Literally anything else."

"Be quiet, Entei!" the two sisters shouted at their brother.

"We have so much good content," Raikou said mournfully. "Remember the type matchup song? That was nice."

"Also 15,732 years ago!" Entei called.

"Not helpful!"

 **-The Cerulean Cephalopods-**

"And we're back!" Octillery exclaimed. "In today's news, Suicune and Raikou melt down on screen again, Ash Ketchum is back at it again, Team Death and Team Rocket have both been ramping up their fossil stealing game, and the Ledian migration came a little too close to an angry pack of Heatran… Here to comment is Pyukumuku!"

Pyukumuku floated on screen and gave the camera a peace sign. Unfortunately, we don't all speak Pokemon Sign Language, so we here at the Center Water Broadcasting Wailord, or the CWBW, have given you helpful subtitles.

::What's up, Feebites? It's you're favorite sea cucumber, back at it with some more news!::

Octillery nodded sagely. "Also joining us on our panel is Tentacool for a common Pokemon's perspective, Crawdaunt because he looks cool, Gastrodon for a battler's perspective, and Lumineon because-"

Pyukumuku punched Lumineon straight out of the studio. ::Dave, how many times do I have to tell you, literally nobody cares about Lumineon! Just let Araquanid do his thing and this just won't be a problem!::

The panel all tried to talk at the same time, so all that was an screen was a muddled mess of bubbles.

::Alright, since they are all as useless as usual, I guess I'll just do this myself. On that note, we already told you the news in the headlines! Why are you even still watching? Go watch cute Litten gifs for an hour or something, why are you still wasting your time here?::

 **-Route One-**

Gary frowned at the man standing at the door to his cave. "Um, you know you have an ("Entirely appropriate drawing of wholesome things!" Suicune yelled) drawn next to your mouth, right?"

The man's eyes widened as Nidoran and Ratatta ran up to his side. _"What's happening? Who is he?"_

The man grinned. "My name is Ominous Evil Darkness Phil Murderson, and I have a business proposition for you."

 **[A/N] Ooh, I just love ripping on Pokemon I think are dumb. I mean, seriously, Elekrik? Seriously?**

…

…

…

 **I write this fic for my own mild amusement!**

 **If you were mildly amused, make sure to review using the Politoed scale**

 **You Really Misty'd the Point on This One – politoed**

 **I'm Ash-ured These Puns Won't Get Any Better – Politoed**

 **Your Writing is just Lumineonous – d**

 **I'd Like to Pichu an Idea – D**

 **Brocking it – POLITOED**

 **I GIRATINA YOU I'M WAITING FOR MORE – POLITOOOOED!**

 **Heh.**


	10. Overly Complicated Arbitrary Road Blocks

Chapter Ten – Overly Complicated Arbitrary Road Blocks

 **[A/N] Now more than twenty thousand words of guaranteed poor quality crack, coming at you straight from Kalos!**

 **Just goes to show kids – if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything! Be sure to appeal to our lord and savior Helix along the way, and you'll get there!**

 **-Viridian City-**

 _"_ _We did it!"_ Nidoran squealed excitedly, practically bouncing as Gary strode proudly out of the shade of Route One.

His worn backpack was slung over his shoulder, and his clothing had started to wear slightly, but he felt better than he had in a long time. "Nidoran, Rattata, Karpus, we're one step closer to winning the Pokemon League and beating Ash!"

Rattata cheered, and the chained pokeball at his waist grumbled pitiful.

Gary smirked as he unwrapped the ball and released Magikarp. "Oi, Karpus, make yourself useful for once."

 _"I don't have to take this humiliation!"_ Magikarp gasped as he flopped to the ground. _"I haven't been out in weeks, I tell you! Weeks! Why, Arceus, oh why must I-"_

"Or not."

There were two flashes of red, and his starter reappeared and glared at him balefully. _"Fine,"_ he muttered, along with a string of curses so nasty that Suicune has informed yours truly that they will get this story removed if printed.

"IN TUNE! THIS IS EAR RAPE!"

 _"Never!"_

Nidoran danced along as Ratatta chased Gary chasing Karpus towards Viridian City. As they approached a man who had been lounging in a beach chair in the middle of the field jumped to his feet and ran over. "Stop right there sir! You can't pass through right now!"

Magikarp paused for long enough for Gary to recall him, and he furiously relocked the padlock as buried his head in his hands. "I hate my life."

"That can be helped," the man piped up helpfully.

Gary blinked at him. "Wait, you can help me fix my life?"

He chortled, holding his sternum tightly. "No, no, why would I want to do that? I can help you hate your life more! I hear there's a Gothorita around here that gives you crippling depression if you talk to her! That ought to be-"

"Right, so why can't I keep going?" Gary said, tapping his foot impatiently as his Pokemon flanked him. "I want pancakes, damnit!"

 _"_ _Sweet, fluffy p_ _ancakes?!"_ Raichu exclaimed.

"Well, you can't pass through," the man responded almost gleefully. "You see, I'm busy thinking about how nice this field looks, so you can't go by."

"Right..." Gary slowly stepped to the side and salute the old man. "Well, pops, 'fraid you're gonna have to wait a second to let me by."

"Mmm… Good luck with that."

Rolling his eyes, Gary walked past the old man only to be flung backwards by a blue force field that appeared out of thin air. "What the?"

The man hummed looked behind him. "I don't know, read the textbox."

Gary squinted at the box, then groaned, "Arceus, you have got to be kidding me..."

"Are you having trouble reading it? I am an _excellent_ reader, after all I read plenty of ("Wholesome books suitable for children of ages eleven and up!" Suicune yelled)so I'd consider myself an expert."

"I can read, thank you."

"It says, ahem," the man fiddled with his reading glasses then peered up at the floating dialogue. "Hahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahaha-"

"I think I get the gist, thanks," Gary muttered.

"Wait, I'm not done yet. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha."

"Are you done?"

"Ha."

Gary hung his head. "This is ridiculous."

"Actually, I'm quite proud of myself," the man said as he sat back down in his chair.

"So when do I get to go through?"

The man looked down at his watch. "Whatdya say you come back in six hours? That seems like an appropriately arbitrary amount of time to make you suffer for."

"Great..."

 **-Saffron City-**

"No, you can't go in this gym! It's a terrible idea, there's no way you can win!"

"But Mr. I'mdefinentlynotSabrina'sfatherwhyareyoucallingmethat, I have to win the gym badge so I can be a Pokemon master!" Ash whined as the man frantically waved his arms to stop them from entering the gym.

"You don't understand! The horror, the terror of who the gym leader has become." His voice dropped to a whisper. "You see, she decided she was bored, so she's made the challenge more complicated."

"Oh, are we all whispering in conspiratorial tones now?" Brock whispered as he leaned in.

"What's happening?" Misty asked as they pressed their faces together.

"You see," the man said, "the true challenge here is that this gym battle is overly complicated!"

"Great, so I'll just use blast burn a lot and win!" Ash said as he strode into the gym.

The man watched him go, dumbfounded. "Was that sarcasm?"

"He's not the sharpest tool in the shed," Brock said with a shrug as he followed him into the gym.

 _Okay, now this is just absurd,_ Bulbasaur grumbled as they walked into the gym. _Is that a bouncy house?_

"Hello, and welcome to Sabrina's gym!" the man waiting by the door said as he gestured to vast cavern of contraptions held in place by psychic energy. "So, in order to challenge the gym leader, first you have to make your way through our simulated zero gravity route, which has a colony of Minior controlled by a bloodthirsty Nihilego. After that, there's the water park and carnival section, where you have to avoid the Carvanhas. Next, we made an exact recreation of every single psychic gym from every region and mushed them together, so you're going to have to go through our shrinking machine to explore the intradimensional warp panel doll house. Then-"

"Excuse me?" Brock interjected.

"Oh, I don't like you. Most people who interrupt me never make it past the challenge section."

"But isn't the battlefield right there?" Brock asked.

"Yeah?"

"So we could just walk there?" he asked, making lovey eyes at Sabrina who waved back politely.

"Yeah, what's your point?"

Misty grinned. "Great, then let's just-

"Zero gravity is awesomeeee! Ahh, the Nihilego! Charmander, use blast burn!"

 _"Ash, you're an idiot!"_

A series of explosions rocked the chamber as Ash and his squadron of overpowered Friendship Lovers did bloody war with the Rocky Expansion, turning the third sector of the Sabrina region into a firestorm of dust and poisonous gas.

"Yeah, I think we'll wait for him."

Brock pulled his picnic table out of his backpack and settled down for a long wait. "Tea?"

"That would be nice, thank you," the man said. "Maybe I like you after all."

"That's Tea-riffic!"

"Sabrina! I have someone you need to remove from the premises!"

 **-Viridian City-**

 _"Negative two thousand, three hundred and sixty five bottles of Moomoo milk on the wall! Negative two thousand, three hundred and sixty five bottles of milk! Take one down, pass-"_

"Okay it's been six hours now, you can shut up!"

Nidoran and Rattata collapsed onto the grassy floor in relief. _"My throat hurts,"_ the poison type complained as Gary picked both of them up and started walking back towards the grassy field.

"Look, guys, this sucks, but at least we'll get to rest in the Pokemon Center when this is all done," Gary said, smiling as Rattata curled up in his hand.

 _You know, I never realized how awesome it is that Pokemon just stick around with you. We've never even had a real battle, but- I'm not even that mad about that anymore._

The man had fallen asleep in his chair, and was loudly snoring. _"Hey, old man! Can we please go through?"_ Nidoran shouted as he jumped from Gary's arms to the table next to him.

He woke up slowly, shaking his head clear as he saw Gary's Pokemon. "Eh? Oh, let me think."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Gary asked as he slowly raised a fist.

"Nope! If you want to go through, I need you to get me some oran berries!" He looked down at the package of oran berries Gary had just handed him, then tossed it over his shoulder. "Not those oran berries, stupid."

"Hey, that's all of my food, don't- Ah!"

The barrier reappeared with a new dialogue box, and the man gave him an exuberant smile. "Ooh, I can read it again! I think it was the random haiku generator this time!"

"I hate you and everything you represent," Gary muttered.

"Alright, here goes nothing," the man said, then read:

 _Gary Oak is dumb_

 _Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha_

 _Refridgerator_

 _"Oh, it's beautiful,"_ Nidoran sobbed.

"Hey, don't side with him!"

 _"_ _I can't argue with the arts!"_

Rattata sighed as he curled up tighter. _"The author didn't even spell refrigerator right..."_

"Was this written by a five year old?" Gary grumbled as the man took a long sip of tea.

"HEY, GARY OAK, I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM OLDER THAN EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE BY AT LEAST A MILLENIUM!"

"JUNIOR, SHUT UP!"

Gary decided to pretend that he hadn't heard the cloud formation above them talk. _I'm still sane, I'm still sane, I'm still sane._ "Okay, you made your point, what are you going to make me do?"

"Well, I'll need you to get me the oran berries from one particular clearing..."

 **-Later-**

"Beedril! Ruuuuuuuuuun!"

 **-Saffron City-**

 _"Commander! What will we do?"_ Squirtle yelled desperately as the Overpowered Friendship Lovers flung themselves under the hydro vortex hurtling over them and into an anti-gravity compression trench.

 _"_ _Change that dumb name, for starters."_

Ash ignored Bulbasaur as Skarmory spiraled back towards their hiding spot. "Report!"

 _"_ _The legion of Luvdisk are headed by a ferocious Mega Alomomola-"_

 _"That's not even a thing!"_ Bulbasaur groaned.

 _"And they're advancing! At this rate, we'll be forced back into the dollhouse, and we don't want to get lost in there again!"_

Everyone turned to stare at Charmander, who yawned and shrugged. _"They had a library in there, can you blame me?"_

"Alright everyone, I have an incredibly complex plan to use our super effective secret weapon against them!" Ash exclaimed.

 _"You know, I could just use frenzy plant or Pikachu could take the entire squadron out with a single fire bolt."_

"Charmander, use Blast Burn!"

A collective groan rose from all of the Pokemon as Charmander put his book down and sighed. _"You know, Ash, it wouldn't hurt to use someone else but me occasionally."_

 _"_ _It's okay, at least people actually like you,"_ Stunfisk pondered morosely.

"But Charmander is so cool!"

" _Pichakapichapka!"_

 _"_ _I think Pikachu took personal offense at that."_

The water battlefield evaporated as a massive gout of flame engulfed it, only for the Legion of Hearts to emerge unmarked before reforming the battlefield.

 _"The power of irrelevancy is too strong!"_ Charmander yelled as he ducked under a hydro pump. _"Also, how can those stupid fish use hydro pump!"_

 _"We win with the power of love!"_

 _"Right, positive messaging is better than tactics."_

Ash thought as hard as he could for exactly two seconds, then yelled, "I've got the solution!"

 _"Glory, we're saved!"_ Bulbasaur shouted. _"Ash Ketchum, actually thinking throu-"_

"Charmander, use mega blast burn!"

 _"THAT'S NOT A THING!"_

Charmander stared at Ash. _"_ _And how, exactly, am I supposed to do that?"_

"Uh… Evolve?"

 _"Oh, sure."_ Charmander's body glowed white as he changed into Charmeleon. _"Okay, now I get it! Mega Blast Burn!"_

Bulbasaur hid his eyes with his vines as the Legion of Hearts ignored the attack and refilled the pool again. _"_ _That was just blast burn with more fire. Everyone and everything around me is stupid."_

Pikachu had had enough. Climbing out of the ditch, he screamed, _"FOR BRANDING!"_ and blew the entire school of fish through the roof.

 _"I think they're dead."_

 _"_ _Astute, Bulbasaur."_

 _"Well, Sabrina will certainly be_ broken hearted _when she finds out,"_ Squirtle said before Charmander and Bulbasaur sent him flying out the roof after the other water types.

 _"_ _More importantly, did Pikachu just say something?"_

 _"Pika?"_

 **-Elsewhere-**

Sabrina smiled as her newest challenger blasted her Pokemon through the roof. "He looks like he's having so much fun! Don't you think so too, Mr. Brock and Miss Misty?"

Brock and Misty were desperately trying to break free from the young girl's sweaty palms. "Damn it, why did we have to bring Ash to the insane gym leader?" Brock whispered, entirely uncomfortable in his shrunken doll form and the pastel pink dress Sabrina had pulled over his normal clothing.

"I'm not having fun! Let me go!" Misty screamed as the hairbrush ran through her hair again. "Stop combing my hair! You're making me look like Daisy!"

"Daisy is hot, though..."

"Brock, _you're not helping!"_

 **-Viridian City-**

Gary collapsed to the ground in a mess of scratches as a stinger stuck out from his butt. Twitching, he held up the package of berries. "Here are your stupid berries, can we go yet?"

"Nope! You still have to battle me!" the old man said proudly. "Go, Aegislash!"

"You're kidding me. You have got to be kidding me." Gary yanked his Pokedex out of his pocket and pointed it at the Pokemon. "What is that? It's a sword and shield, is it even a Pokemon?"

AEGISLASH, THE ROYAL SHIELD POKEMON. AEGISLASH ENJOYS CHOPPING IGNORANT TRAINERS WITH BAD HAIR CUTS WHO INSULT ITS DESIGN INTO TINY PIECES AND FEEDING THEM TO THE MIGHTYENA. ALSO, IT IS A STEEL-GHOST TYPE SO IT IS IMMUNE TO LITERALLY EVERY MOVE YOU AND YOUR PATHETICALLY SMALL POKEMON COULD POSSIBLY DO TO IT.

"How is Ghost and Steel even a legal type combo, that's so unfair!" Gary yelled as the Pokemon slowly pointed its tip towards him.

 _"_ _Gary, there's nothing Nidoran or I can do! You have to use the secret weapon!"_

"But all hope is lost for us," Gary said as a single tear leaked from the corner of his eye. "And my butt hurts, that's important too."

 _"Use the Karpus,"_ Nidoran said before swooning. _"He's our only hope."_

Aegislash's blade glowed, and Gary nodded. "You're right. Karpus, I hate you but I'm choosing you anyways!"

"Is that-"

 _"Noooooo, bad singing is my fatal weakness!"_ Aegislash cried. _"I surrender! Please, let me live!"_

Gary caught his finger just before he let his starter out, sighing in relief. The man glowered at him before shooing him into the open field. "You know, if you had just done that at the beginning I would have let you through this morning."

"Arceus da-"

 **-Saffron City-**

Officer Jenny blinked as the Saffron City Gym exploded into a raging fireball. "Well, that's one way to win a gym battle."

 **-Viridian City-**

Gary fell to his knees before the burnt out wreck of the Pokemon Center, reading the words written in sharpie on the small wooden sign that had been placed in front of it.

 _Ash was here_

 _Gary is a loser_

"ASH KETCHUM!" he screamed as he stormed to the entrance of Route Two. _Wait, isn't that-_

"Sorry, but you can't go on Route Two right now!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 **[A/N] Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahha**

 **ahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahha**

 **hahahha**

 **ha**

 **REVIEW ME, SENPAI!**

 _ **[Hey, hey you! Do you like Amourshipping? Go check out Quality Controlled Amour, now on the front page of the communities tab!]**_


	11. Grassed Up!

Chapter 11 – Grassed Up

 **why did i work on this story?**

 **help me**

 **-Route 7-**

Ash frowned at the pokeball in his hand. "I feel like I haven't caught a Pokemon in a while."

Bulbasaur shook his head on his shoulder. _"Ash, you've caught three Oddish, a Ponyta, two Teddyursa, a Basculin, and a Pikipek. In the last hour."_

A Pidove fell out of the sky and landed on the pokeball. It shook for a long moment, then dinged happily.

"Much better," Ash said happily.

 _"Why do I even bother?"_

 **-Later-**

Brock looked up as Misty sat down next to him. "Hey, what's up?"

Misty stared blankly at the vista below them. A small creek burbled past, trickling down the mountain into the verdant valley. Above them, there was an explosion every few seconds as Ash 'trained' his Pokemon. "Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

He stared at her. "No? I mean, we walked here. And biked. And rode that stupid convertible until Ash crashed it. And there was that one time we traveled by montage..."

"No, not like that," she said, shaking her head. "I mean, why are with Ash?"

Brock frowned. "I'm not sure I understand."

Misty pulled her arms around her legs. "I mean, before he destroyed my bike I lived a perfectly normal life, right? Mean sisters, the gym, my water types… Now here I am, a twelve-year-old gym leader following around a ten-year-old kid, we see a legendary Pokemon every other day, all of our Pokemon can talk to us, and we've blown up three different gyms."

"I guess I never really thought about it," Brock said. "I mean, I was so ready to go on an adventure for once that I never really thought about it."

An Aggron soared through the air and crashed into the valley. Squirtle leaped after it, screaming, " _FOR TEXAS!"_

Misty sighed. "I got my bike back. I caught a Psyduck. Hell, I even got to be a Feebas for a week before you guys remembered I existed. This stupid journey has nearly killed me more times than I want to count. I'm exhausted, hungry, I left my credit card in Lavender Town, and every notion I had about the universe is shattered. Why am I still here?"

"AFTER IT!" Ho-oh took off from the mountain top, swooping down with Ash on its back towards the valley. A flood of Pokemon followed him to varying degrees of success, joining in the epic battle royale in the valley.

"He still hasn't said anything about the time he lost in Vermillion," Brock murmured, and Misty shifted closer to him so she could hear. "I called Professor Oak to ask how Nidoran was doing, and Oak said that he was unregistered from Ash's account. I think he must have released him."

Misty frowned. "I don't get it."

"You're both kids, Misty." She tried to protest, but he held up a hand. "Whatever happened that made life around him so crazy, it isn't going away any time soon. Whether he knows it or not, we're his stability. He needs us, and I think we need him to."

Her eye twitched. "I don't need a little brat like him!"

"Sure." Brock fingered one of his pokeballs pensively. "This can't last forever, though. Someday, something like Vermillion is going to bring him back down to earth, and he's going to need us there when it happens."

 _"_ _Are we foreshadowing over here or having a deep conversation?"_ Bulbasaur asked as he settled down next to the duo.

Mistry shrugged. "Shouldn't you be down there destroying the forest with everybody else?"

 _"_ _Nah, I prefer to try and retain my sanity,"_ the Grass-type said, propping up his head with his vines. _"Besides, I'm pretty sure Squirtle has that market cornered."_

 _"FEAR ME, FOR I WIELD THE POWER OF GODS IN MY SHELL!"_ Squirtle hollered as he ascended to the astral plane.

"Squirtle, you don't have to do this!" Ash called as he and Ho-oh climbed towards him. When Squirtle didn't react, he changed tacts. "You can't ascend today, it's taco tuesday!"

Squirtle released his heavenly power and bounced onto Ash's shoulder. _"To Valhalla we go!"_

Brock nodded sagely. "You might be onto something here."

Misty just sighed again. "Why does the one who always makes the most sense have to be a plant dinosaur?"

 **-Viridian Forest-**

"Karpus, go!"

"CE-"

"Karpus, come back! Nidoran, use peck!"

Nidoran charged at the Caterpie and slammed it backwards. Before Caterpie could respond, Nidoran flipped around and launched two quick kicks into the bug's side. Caterpie squeaked as it flew backwards into the bush, knocked out.

"Yes!" Gary cheered, giving Nidoran a broad grin as he and Rattata rushed to congratulate him. "That was awesome, you learned Double Kick!"

 _"_ _Yay Nidoran!"_ Rattata chorused, happily rubbing up against the poison type.

Nidoran smiled back at his trainer and teammate. _"That's a fighting-type move, right? Can we fight the rock type gym now?"_

Gary nodded enthusiastically as Karpus let himself back out of his pokeball. _"_ _Why do you keep switching me in and out?"_ the fish grumbled.

Gary glared at his starter. "Because until you learn tackle, you're useless in battle, but you'll never learn tackle if you don't participate."

The Magikarp blinked at him, then jumped back off the ground and re-entered his pokeball.

 _"_ _Awesome, let's go fight Brock!"_ Rattata exclaimed.

 _"_ _One problem."_ Nidoran looked around, then back at his team. _"Where exactly are we?"_

"Sinnoh, probably, if my luck is anything to go by," Gary mumbled. Spinning around, he pointed in a random direction. "Let's go that way!"

 **-Pallet Town-**

Professor Oak sighed as his counter for the number of Pokemon Ash had caught rose to 1,237, then looked out the window. "Why is my grandson in Pallet Town again?" he wondered aloud, then shook his head and went back to planning how to escape the country and move to Alola.

 **-Celadon City-**

"Celadon City!" Brock exclaimed, gazing at the city around them. "Know for it's tall buildings and fragrances!"

Misty closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. "It smells so good," she swooned, rocking back and forth.

Most of Ash's Pokemon seemed to agree, but Bulbasaur seemed unmoved. _"Eh. Nothing's ever going to smell as good as that time I lived in a Sunflora and Cherim colony for a month."_

"Who cares about a stupid smell? I wanna go challenge the gym!" Ash exclaimed.

Misty exchanged a long long with Brock, then said, "Oh, come on Ash! Live a little, we can not be battling for five seconds." She grabbed his arm and started pulling him towards the nearest shop. "I can smell Eau de Feebas!"

"Misty…" Ash whined as she pulled him off, Charmander and Squirtle bickering about soap operas on his shoulder.

Brock sweatdropped as he watched them go. "I think we need to call in an intervention on her Feebas obsession," he mumbled.

Bulbasaur nodded. _"She's lived with it for a long time, Brock. It's going to be a steep uphill battle but I think with enough determination, she can overcome her addiction."_

 _"Pika,"_ Pikachu agreed.

They came into sight of the store Misty and Ash had disappeared into, Brock stopped short. A trail of drool trickled down his chin. He seemed to be lost in thought as he watched the perfume salesman crowd around his friends inside, then a spark lit up in his eyes. "Where did the harem medallion go?!"

While Pikachu, Bulbasaur, and Brock wrestled over the medallion outside, Misty was busy cradling a bottle of perfume with a cartoon image of a Feebas to her chest. Ash's utter disdain for perfume and girly things was pushed to the side as he watched her. "Is she going to buy it?" he asked Charmander.

 _"Perhaps we should do it for her,"_ Charmander suggested, _"Unless we want to watch her fish side to take over again."_

Ash shuddered at the thought.

 **-Flashback-**

The restaurant owner looked from Ash and Brock to the fish tank. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises and never come back.

Bulbasaur nodded as he pulled Misty out of the tank with the vines. _"Yep, I think that's for the best."_

"HEY, PUT ME BACK! THAT WAS MY UNCLE FILBERT IN THERE, YOU-"

 **-Suicune's Show-**

Entei growled thoughtfully. "Who knew Feebases knew that many curse words?" he reflected.

Suicune just shook her head in despair, muttering, "K+, K+, K+," to herself over and over again.

"There, there." Raikou patted her sister on the back gently. "Maybe you should retire and let the two of us take over."

"AND LET YOU CORRUPT MY CHILDREN?" she shrieked, launching a hydro pump into Raikou's face.

"Hey, we all know I'm the sane one in our family!"

The battle that ensued was too graphic to be described on a children's TV show.

 **-Celadon City-**

Misty stared at the smoldering ruins of the Celadon City gym, then at Ash, then back at the gym. "Okay, so I get how we destroyed another gym – don't let a ten-year-old use blast burn, been there, done that. What I don't get is _how the hell did Ash Ketchum end up in a dress?_ "

Brock thought about it for a second. "I bet he pissed off the gym's trainees with his hate of perfume, causing them to ban him from the gym, then got assistance from Team Rocket in creating a disguise so he could infiltrate the gym and beat Erika."

Bulbasaur sighed. _"Actually..."_

 **-An Hour Earlier-**

 _"_ _I bet you won't wear a dress during_ _your gym battle,"_ Charmander said smugly.

Ash gaped at him. "No way, I'm not a girl!"

His Pokemon smirked. _"See? I told you, Squirtle."_

An evil glint rose in Squirtle's eye. He leaned closer to Ash and whispered, _"u won't."_

"Fine, I'll do it!" Ash yelled, then marched off to the nearest shopping mall.

 _"_ _Oh, Trubbish."_

 **-Hall of Origin-**

Arceus sighed deeply as he relaxed into his throne, the Hariama he had hired making its was through his deep body massage.

"Sir, you have 17,864 prayers, 1,293 world-threatening problems, 36 Ash Ketchum incident reports, and 3,298 instances of fourth-wall breaking," Musharna said as she floated towards him as fast as possible (not very fast) and stopped, panting, by the dias.

Arceus lazily waved a leg at her. "Make the Lake Guardians deal with it, I'm busy."

Mursharna squeaked in acknowledgement and sprinted out of the hall (about as fast as a leisurely Darumaka, if you asked Arceus).

"Why did we let him hire a non-legendary as his assistant?" Coballion muttered to Terrakion.

The other legendary just shook his head.

 **So apparently this story is still alive? Not sure how that happened, review!**

 **Love,**

 **Your Pachurisu Overlord (Allie)**


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